Sunday, 9 May 2010

The quest for 120... Day 4

This post is for yesterday.

122.8 How on earth did it drop??? No idea that's crazy. I got cocky though - ate lots and it's definitely going to go up again. 

Had a really good day actually. I've been feeling a little lost lately. Well, it's not as dramatic as it sounds trust me!! It's just, well most of my life I'd lived in the north. Leeds, sheffield, and most recent manchester. And I dunno I don't believe in the north south divide but I did and still do sometimes feel a little out of place and miss home. My friends and social group when I lived in Manchester were all sort of girls like me who don't just live for work, who wear makeup, who care about what clothes they wear and what their hair's like. I guess you could say I knocked about with the in crowd. We were the girls in the night clubs, at the parties and who seemed to be on the website's photo page with the most views.

But I was clever too. I got good grades on my course, did a masters and now do a very technical sciency job. I moved to the south for my job as it was a great opportunity, and I don't regret it for one second. I'd never been to the town I now live in before and moved in to a random house share three days before starting my job. I met my now boyfriend after having moved in just three hours before, and he offered to be my tour guide... The rest you say, is history.

My friends at work, suffice to say, are not the it crowd. They discuss issues and concepts that I don't fully understand, and just have that kind of nerdy geeky social awkwardness about them. In meetings at work I'm sometimes made to feel dumb and unimportant just because I look as though I might be. Most are from very different back grounds to me and sometimes I guess it's just weird. I have made friends, and they're lovely, they're just very different to old friends. I find myself trying too hard - my blend of Yorkshire/Lancashire accent has faded and the social events I now attend are a world away from my old life. My mum thinks that I've made it, and have changed my life from what it was destined to be and is eternally grateful and proud of me for that. I come from a very poor background and my family were miners. We had nothing. I got the grades to go to uni, and got a grant due to my family income. I still left uni with more than 30 grand debt, but I was determined to change my life. My mum is chuffed to bits for me.

But somedays I wake up and think "what the fuck am I doing? This isn't me?" my boyf is quite middle class and talks posh. He listens to radio 4 and reads the gaurdian, and we host dinner parties where we dress up nicely and our guests bring us flowers and kiss us each cheek. We've been invited to watch a polo game in June. I'm in a different world and have lost a part of myself that I didn't want to loose.

Today though, I went shopping with a girl from work who is only a couple of years older than me. She started a few months ago, and she's just loads of fun.  She reminds me of who I used to be. She's loud, outspoken, drinks and smokes lots, wears makeup and even high heals to work. We clicked straight away and even my boyfriend jokes that I have a girl crush on her. 

I tried a dress on and she said I was tiny and looked like a little doll... Not quite but it felt nice. We went off to the pub at around 4pm, then just stayed out all evening until 2am.  (hence writing this up midday on sunday) It was so much fun, she brings out a side to me that is so comforting. Don't get me wrong, I love my new life. I love my boyfriend and the friends Ive made. I love the oportunity my job gives me. It's just all so different, and not something my boyfriend or anyone else willl ever comprehend.

States for the day
Weight: 122.8
Food: I've not even spoke about food today. It wasn't important - I was enjoying myself. I ate lots. I drank. I laughed. I lived. Sunday morning the scales had jumped back up, but that's for day 5's post...
Total cals: 1300 ish. Not including booze.
Exercise: dancing :)

Vi x x


  1. Oh God I totally know what you mean. It's not quite the same because you are a few years further down the line but I came from a place where I was thought of as well off because we lived in a detached house. My parents drilled into me the value of money and working hard and stuff and I was never ever spoiled-even less so than people who were 'poor' (whose parents tend to spend all their spare money on treating their kids, holidays and treats and stuff)-because they were both from very working class backgrounds. There were gangs and fights and drugs and police presence at my school and I did well to come out with the grades that I did. At uni I constantly take the piss out of 'the upper classes' and then I realise-I'm surrounded by them! My housemates all went to public school, as in PROPER public school, in colleges, with quadrants like Cambridge, and sang in the (male) church choir. 'the Boy' was at boarding school. They all commonly travel in Vietnam, Thailand, Africa, Australia etc, in Summer, without saving, just as common course, in the holidays. They never work. One of my friends is technically a Lord. He lives in a Castle, complete with cannons. One of the boys I lived with in first year, his father was the Minister for Transport for India. Another boy had his own Porsche, and transported all his luggage in Dolce and Gabbanna gold bags. I could go on. It's insane. This is partly why I've had such a bad time at uni. I just don't fit in with these people, and they reject you for just not being like them.

    I love to meet up with my best friend, who grew up on a council estate, with a mother who was constantly in debt and has been saving up for years to declare herself bankrupt. We put on our gladrags (usually composed of various items from Primark and New Look, maybe something from Topshop) and we go out and get totally battered and act without any decorum and make total fools of ourselves. I wouldn't have it any other way :)

    Don't be scared to keep hold of that part of yourself. You can have both. Don't feel you have to be that perfect middle class housewife for your bf. Just be you.

    Oh and congrats on the weightloss. You're shooting down! I, on the other hand, will shoot myself if I don't see a change soon. My metabolism is doing that sticking thing. Desperately clinging on for dear life. xx

  2. I hate you. How do you keep losing weight?

    It kind of sounded like you were describing the stepford wives for a second. I can't imagine living like that. I guess it's a good thing that you have found a new friend, though!

    Keep up whatever you're doing. It's obviously working!

  3. Oh lovely, thank you, that's so sweet. I honestly don't think I could ever get back to that again. I felt totally alone. I don't mean I had no friends. But I created this whole other 'me' that I shut off from everyone else that was secret and couldn't be helped and no one could relate to. I honestly believe if I'd been on blogger at the time I wouldn't have felt like that. I don't feel like it at all now, even though my weight trajectory is going along a similar path in time. I feel like you are a true friend. It is the people who are there for you when things are tough and send you proper meaningful messages, beyond the superficial that show this. I am here for you too, I will never run from whatever you have to share, regarding your illness or otherwise. It's hard to come across as genuine on here, but if I am anything I am a loyal, genuine friend. If you ever need to reach out...

    Regarding previous comments...5'8 wow, you should put that up. Jealous! You must looks so good! By 120 you're gonna be skinny! Bleh I'm so fed up of this weight. But at least my Graduation Ball is a whole month and 8 days away and I don't have any plans to be more than 3lbs lighter. I wanted to just lose it early and focus on maintaining. So must not sweat it.