Friday, 30 April 2010

Food addiction

Eek!! So I said this last time, and I'll say it again. Sorry for the massive delay between my last post and this. Lifes been hectic, but isn't it always? That's no excuse. So since my last post I've gone back to my old ways of trying not to eat. I've entered into three running races in the next 6 months, so I'm running 4-5 times a week. I've been really skint these past couple of weeks, so I couldn't afford food even if I wanted to!!

Want to say a big thank you to elle - so sweet of you to mention me in your blog with the sunshine award. I don't have many followers here, but if any of u aren't following elle, go over and listen to her she's lovely. Don't know how to link to her page but it's xellex!!

I wanna try and put into words the massive paradox that is going on in my life and has been for a while. And I suspect some of you here also maybe feel the same. I'm talking about food addiction.

Ok so this is a real phenomenon. Most people think it's an excuse that fat people invented to validate themselves, but it's real. 

Is it possible to be a food addict AND have some form of annorexic eating disorder? Most definitely.

Food addiction is bizarre. The overwhelming desire to eat SOMETHING usually something terribly bad for you, NOW. Sometimes when you're not even hungry, but usually when you're full. It's the cravings, the fact that chocolate and crisps seem to whisper your name and call you. It's the reason a lot of us fall prey to the ever depressing binge-or-bust cycle. 

I would definitely say that am a food addict. In the same way that an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink for years will always carry that label and have those cravings for the majority of their lives - "my name is violet and I am a food addict." i guess I'm always destined to be. How to combat it? Sensible dieting? Be a bit more active? Where is that turning point where you start to work out like crazy at the gym to try and cancel out the stupid binge even when you weren't hungry, then promising not to eat tomorrow to make up for it? When does the realisation of something more sinister occur - we've turned to ana and mia. And further on down the line, the acceptance of that, it's now a way of life.

But here's the REAL problem - the one fundamental difference between food addiction and all the other conventional addictions like drugs, booze and fags, and the reason for the spiral towards ana. With all these classic additions the key to breaking free and expelling those demons is abstinance. Cold turkey. So you're going to quit smoking - you can NEVER have a cigarette ever again. You're going to quit the drink - you can NEVER have a glass of wine ever again. You can see where I'm going here... What is a food addict to do? So you're addicted to food, but medical science and any sane doctor would never tell you that the way to give up the addiction is to NEVER eat food ever again. 

We are forced to try and kick this awful and very real addiction, while all the time keeping it alive by consuming three meals a day for the rest of our lives... Now that's fucked up!!?!? How on earth would a smoker kick that habit if they were told they had to quit smoking, but still go on having cigarette EVERY SINGLE DAY in order to survive? 

This is the reason for my binge-bust. We starve our selves in order to block out this addiction and plan (or slip up) to have something light or small to keep us ticking over... Then BAM... some part of our food addicted brain kicks in and says "YES!!! I WANT MOOOORE!!! GIVE ME MORE FOOD!!!!"

How on earth do we deal with such a dilemma??

A very puzzled Violet x

Sunday, 18 April 2010

Wow so I've not posted in a little while - bad me.

I just lost all desire to watch what I eat. I didn't care that I was overweight, in fact I was ENJOYING eating three meals a day and snacks inbetween. I wasn't bothered by what the scales would say so I didn't look. Not once.

Now I wish I had cared the past week or so. It's so ridiculous this bloody yo-yo dieting when I start on it it consumes me and I'm so determined but then when I quit I all out quit.

I'm turning into my mother.

Summers almost here and I look like a walruss in a vest top. This is not a good look. I guess I am back. I'm pretty sure my last post prompted the move toward a normal diet. I freaked myself out with health worries.

But I am fine, I'm not sick anymore, my body can cope I need to keep telling myself that.

So I'm back to fasting again I guess. Tge scale read an ugly 128.2 this morning and I really feel it. Neeeeeeed to be 125..... And FAST!!! I have a dress I want to fit in to in two weeks. 3 pounds in two weeks is totally acheivable so that's the plan. By any means neccessary.

I'm off to catch up on all tge blogs I've missed while I was consumed in the fatness...

Violet x

Saturday, 10 April 2010

Obsessions and confessions

I've had not a single second to write in days. Had the odd cheeky catch up on what some of you guys have been doing but no chance to write myself.

It's been a tough and upsetting few days. Family drama etc and no time to starve. Haven't weighed myself for fear and knowledge deep down that I'm probably closer to 130 than 125 now.

 A huge part of me is so petrified that someone I know will stumble across this blog and know that it's me. That's stupid and never gunna happen but it still scares me. It's not the sort of place any of my friends would come. But then again they'd think that this isn't the sort of place that I would come... I get these strange ideas that maybe one someone I've met on here could be someone I know in the real world. Wouldn't that be odd? If me and my long lost best friend from high school or whatever were unknowingly exchanging secret stories on here...?! 

Impossible, but still I think these things.

I want to share with you guys an experience that I went through a couple of years ago, which would definitely rat me out to anyone that does know me and would for sure expose me for who I really am. But in for a penny, in for a pound. It's only fair that you guys should know to some higher order who am I and what makes me ticks... And this is something that has shaped me into who I really am.

A couple of years ago I had graduated from uni, and not knowing what I wanted to do next I decided I would move back home to my mums for a year to try and claw my way out of debt, and figure out a plan. Well someone up there had a different plan for me and decided to fuck up my life for a long time. I got sick. Well that's a bit of an understatement. My heart rate soared and I became dizzy before collapsing to the floor. My mum called an ambulance and I was rushed to a+e for life saving treatment, a three day stint in intensive care followed by 5 weeks on a ward and a year of appointments and rehibilitarion. I'd had a massive bilateral pulmonary embolism. It was terrifying and I was lucky to have survived. Being on the contraceptive pill and a smoker the doctors put it down to that, but being only 20 years old I guess it was just one of those things.

After a 6 week course of clexane injections self administered into my tummy (drug known as lovenox in the US) I was put on a 6 month course of warfarin (coumadin in the us) which in all honesty, if anyone has any experience of this drug, was the most miseable experience in my life. My hair fell out, I had constant headaches and was too ill from the side effects to work so I stayed home for 9 months and spiraled further into depression.

The other massive blow about warfarin is it's dramatic interactions with food. Or lack of. Everying I ate would send my INR values (once a week blood monitering to check clotting ability) all over the place. I tried my best to eat while I was in hospital but tge nurses threatened to keep me in and sent a food doctor to speak to me. Once I got out of hospital I was left to my own devices, but tge lack of food I was eating had a dramitic effect on my medication and my liver began to fail. I was devastated. I got obsessed with food and nutrition and studied ceaslessly to understand the effects that different foods were having on me and my medication. I dietician helped me devise a food plan and for the last 3 months of being on warfarin. I ate tge exact same food at tge exact same time each and every day... How dull... But I had to, my body was failing me. It was so meticulos that I would have for example 10 red grapes at 11am, and drink tge same amount regardless of thirst of hunger, or being too full. It was tge only way I could regulate the drugs and my INR.

Two and a half years on and I'm still effected. I still smoke, and any twinge makes me frightened for my life. I know what I'm doing with my diet is dangerous, but I can't help it. And I'm off the medicine. My lungs are ok, and now I have the occasional check of lung function and to check my right side of my heart has not become enlarged.

I know I should take better care of myself. If I ever have another PE again, or even DVT I'll be back on warfarin, this time for life. 

I just can't seem to get a grip. Seems like I'm scared, but maybe not scared enough.


So that's a little more about me.

It is however nice to be back.
Violet x 

Wednesday, 7 April 2010


Fat fat fat

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Song thinspo!

So today I'm leaving my mums, re-joining my boyf (who bailed on coming with me here...) and we're going to stay at his mum's for two nights. Travel back home on Thursday. Eek! It's gunna be tougher there than at my own mum's - it's one thing telling my own mum to stop trying to feed me up, but it's a bit rude refusing dinner as a guest in my in-laws house. Hmmm. Tricky.

The next time I can weigh myself in my own house with my own scale is Friday morning. Come on 125...

Been listening to Laura Marling again today who I LOOOVE! (You guys should deff check her out!!!) Found a lyric in one of her songs giving a little nod to our community over here:

"I'll wander the streets avoiding them eats 'til the ring on my finger slips to the ground..."

(Ooops, hope she never find this, I'll get sued!!) It's from the song "My Manic and I" on her first album "Alas I can not swim."

Lovely :)

Monday, 5 April 2010

Little pickers wear bigger knickers

Ooo so I've got some pictures up! Sneaked onto my mum's computer. Ok so it's a bit of a botch job with the old cut and paste, and to be frank my 6 year old cousin could have done a better job.

"Hiya sweetie, can you be a good little girl an design me a logo for my pro-ana blog?"
"...what's pro-ana...?"
"well, you're in for a treat!! Give it a few more years and I'm sure you'll find out aaaalll about it..."

Hmmm... Maybe my shitty picture will do...

Ooo less than 100 cals yesterday. prob about 50. And I didn't feel hungry at all. I only ate for fear of what would happen if I didn't eat at all... How stupid! So makes up for going over the day before. I did the age old trick of telling my mum I was eating out with friends, so no dinner please, then telling my friends I'd had a big dinner with my mum. Oldest trick in the book. Ugh I really want to stay at 125 ish and be that weight when I get home, befor embarking on the road to 120. Is so stressful not being able to weigh myself!!! My mum has scales, but it's not MY scales, so not the same...

There seems to be a common theme about returning home to the parent's house amoungst this community - I'm sorry to say I don't break the mould. It's a little bit hellish isn't it? Two more days though... My mum is a compulsive over eater and the house is always filled with food. She complains that she is over weight all the time, then once a month or so will give dieting a half arsed attempt for a day or two before giving up and claiming to accept her shape for what it is and that mums are meant to be tubby anyway. I know how she feels. I know exactly how she feels.

Last time I stayed I happened to arrive during one of her diet phases. It was in the new year just after Christmas and innevitably it lasted a day or two before she broke. I on the other hand am always on a bloody 'diet', and when she fails she wants me to fail too. "go on love, I've had one, let's sod the diet..." I get it, I get why she does it, it makes her less of a failure if I am too... but, just uggghhhh!!! Her behavouir is like that of a drug pusher, except with chocolate.

I;m not gunna call her names, I love her dearly, and I guess the important thing I must remember to bare in mind - this is MY issues, NOT hers. I can't take it out on her, she's done nothing wrong. I';ll just have to keep lying to her face instead... oh dear. I'm sorry mummy!!

Her and my step-dad both said I looked fab and have I lost weight. I always find it a little bit unbareable when people say these things though. I know that's the wrong way round - I'm meant to like it, it's meant to be encouraging. But being told how slim I'm looking NOW implies that i WAS disgracefully larger before, the exact time in the past when I said I was fat and they all said No you're not, don't be silly... So what they're really saying is "you know all those times in the past when I told you that you looked great, well, I lied. You looked fat. You were a big fat cow."


Violet x x

Sunday, 4 April 2010

My arms are made of mars bars!

No idea what I weigh this morning as I wasn't quite barking enough to pack my giant scales in my overnight bag and bring them. Scary, but liberating too, makes me a little bit giddy! I can work towards 125 by the time I get home...

When my train got in I had more than an hour to wait so did a bit of window browsing and tried on some dresses, just to see if I really can fit a size 8 now. Apparently yes, tho my boobs are a little squashed. The gross thing is my arms, they're hideous!!!! The grossest thing I've ever seen they're fat and wobbly and full of gross celulite too. I'd do anything to be able to wear a vest top... Argh nearly spring!!! 

I had a bag of crisps last night, not exactly a massive binge, and I did feel absolutely starving. Yesterday was tough. I've not felt hungry all week but god all day long... I'll be stronger today :) I'm determined to be 125 when I get back home!!

Happy Easter everyone!!

Big love, 
Violet x

Saturday, 3 April 2010


I'm currently on a train. Stupid train doesn't have wi-fi, stupid!! I'm going to my mums house until Tuesday. She lives in a tiny little village where there is no mobile phone network. That also means I can't get an Internet connection. I should still be able to post though, I'll just write what I want to say in my note pad then copy and paste when I get a signal. I may struggle to get signal for long enough to read browse and read through everyone elses blogs, but I am still here and can catch up when I get home.

The scales read 126.2 this morning and I'm not surprised. I ate more yesterday than intended as I was with my boyf all day long. I had around 500 or 600 cals as I was with my boyfriend all day long. He sent me to the shop to get some things, and asked that I get him a boost bar. I read the calorie content and it was 370 or something! That one tiny chocolate bar has more than I would eat in a typical day!

So today I will fast. Luckily I'm in solitude until about 6pm when I arrive at home as I'm travelling all day. Although I am in first class which entitles me to free food... The only thing more tempting than food is free food!

So yesterday I read a post by xellex. I'm not sure about the etiquette here in regards to discussing other peoples posts, so elle please let me know if I'm doing wrong and I will remove this. But It was so insightful and powerful that it made me stop and take look at my own life. I never claimed to have annorexia or anything close, nor do I fully understand the complexities of the disorder. The only thing I know is my own disfunctional existance and struggle with food and body image which I strive to understand more about each day. But it's a choice right? That's what separates it. I don't live this way because I am forced to? I can stop anytime and return to 2000 cals a day surely? Who knows if that's true or not. And maybe things just aren't as black and white as that anymore. The labels we give people (annorexic, pro ana...) have become scewed and distorted. I saw on a channel 4 documentary sometime ago a theory that every woman has some form of eating disorder. I think it's a definite possibilty. Maybe even an inevitibility in today's society, and is it really surprising? Long gone are the days of eating purely for survival: food is now a social event in it's own right and we live in an age of convenience. It's everywhere. Not just the shopsbut on the tv, in magazines, in our words and in our minds. Inescapable.

...Do I have an eating disorder? Or do I merely have disordered eating habits?

I thought I had found a community where I fit in, where I belong and feel at home and safe. But I'm still just as confused. I don't know what I am or which box I would put myself in. Something for to ponder over during my long train ride...

For now,
Violet x

Friday, 2 April 2010



I'm not making this up! Since Monday, that's like 4 pounds in 5 days... But in all honestly, my sort of stable weight was around 126-127, so I think the jump to 129 was a blip, then I've returned to normal then lost a pound or two. Butbi can sense the innevitable coming - it's gunna jump back up soon I can feel it. It's crucial that I don't binge now, absoluetly critical or it'll all just go back on. I need to keep fasting like I am for a few more days (oh yeah, yesterday had a pear and a piece of toast my boyf made me eat. About 300 cals for the day).

125 is one of my goal weights. I have a plan that when I reach a goal weight (which are multiples of 5) I will then try and just maintain at that weight for a week or two before then trying to get to the next goal. It breaks the diet plan i
down into smaller chunks, while giving the body chance to get used to the weight loss, and recharges the metabolism. Also following a plan like this gives a chance for family and friends to back off having a go at me!! So I need to think very carefully about my "exit strategy." i.e. Stop starving myself for two whole weeks to try and stay at 125. The aim in that two week window is to eat 'normally' and if my weight goes outside of a range of 124.5-125.5 then need to adjust eating habits accordingly. and bloody well stick to it!! Clearly I can't just go out and celebrate with a burger else it will ping back on. I'm scared of having a binge so the plan is to gradually re-introduce food back in at a steady rate. So here's the plan of food for the next few days:

Eat 300 cal per day max until weight is <125 for at least 3 consecutive days. Then can tick the "hit 125" box.
Day 1 of "exit strategy": 350-400 cals, have something for breakfast (like apple) then continue to hold out all day.
Day 2: same as above.
Day 3: 400-450 cals: breakfast, small snack at lunch (all fruit so far) then dinner.
Day 4: same as above
day 5: 450-500
day 6: 500-600

then keep having between 600 and 1000 cals per day, unless weight goes over 125 then it's back to what I'm doing now for a day.

Exciting times!!!

Off for my breakfast: a pint of water and a marlboro light :)

thanks to the two others who are now following this blog as well, you're lovely!
Violet x x

Thursday, 1 April 2010


So this is a good day.

The sun has FINALLY started to shine for once which does wonders for everyones state of mind and well being. It's just fab I love it. And the clocks changed last weekend which means I can now start running outside again in the evenings rather that at the gym. And also sit out in the beer gardens for longer :)

I went for my run finally last night, 5 miles. For me, the running and the weight loss are two completely separate things. Bit of a paradox or coincidence that one may lead to the other... In fact originally that's why I took it up - to lose weight. But then it took over my life and like everything I obsessed and got hooked in!! I ran a marathon last year, and I actually gained weight doing it!! There is no way on earth I could train for a marathon under my current eating regime. Not a chance, it's massively dangerous, and, well, I'm not a moron!!

I've got a few 10k events coming up this spring, which are ideal for losing weight. 10k is perfectly doable on not much energy. Saying that I've been running long distance for years and so I'm used to it - under no circumstance would I encourage a newbie to go out and run 6.2 miles after starving themselves!!!!

If anyone else is a runner or would like to start, get in touch!! I host a little running club at work on Thursdays :) (not today tho, maundy Thursday)

ah, so today's good yeah. The scales somehow said 126.6...?! No idea how. I guess for the first week of a diet the weight drops off rapidly then stagnates... Or goes back up as motivation falters... We'll see!! Yesterday I had about 2litres of water plus a diet coke, an apple, a veggie burger (250 cals) no bun, just rocket leaves. No idea how many cals on an apple, 500? 100? Plus the 250 for the apple.


So I've been finding new blogs to read :) came across some lovely ones which is great, you guys all seem like really nice genuine people.

There is one thing I'm a little nervous of though, and I hope no one takes offense here at what I'm about to say... Some peoples blogs don't have their age on, or is not updated. I really don't want to following anyone under a certain age... I mean I'm 23, it's just not cool to be giving out diet advice to a 15 year old. it's just irresponsible. Am more than happy to talk about things etc, but no way do I want to be giving tips and hints actively to such young girls. So I've tried to be careful when selecting blogs to follow.

Argh I hope that's not taken in the wrong way, it's just because I'm a little older I don't want to be seen as... Well I don't know, it doesn't seem right!!!!

Also... Ugh my blog looks so lame!!! I'm using my iPhone so haven't had chance to put pictures up or anything. Maybe that's why I have only one follower? Who knows... I'll try get on my laptop and spruse it up a bit :) or figure out how to actually use the mobile tool and post pics from here that way.... Argh I'm rubbing with technology!!!!

Anyway, I'm rambling on like mad.
See you later,
Violet x