Thursday, 20 May 2010

Award Thingy

oh yeah - elle gave me this award, how sweet, I wasn't quite sure what it was but I figure it's a kind of chain thing that you pass on to 5 others.

I'm not after world domination with this blogs, or after loads of followers. I think I have 13 but that's cool, less of headache for me and my hectic life only having a few to keep up with. have a small few of you who I speak/comment with more than just sporadically, so I suppose yeah, if I pass it on it can only go to go you: elle, Charlie and Cinderella.

you girls are great :) I don't know how to link I'm afraid though.... or to post a picture :( lame.

I think I have to write 10 things about me that no one here knows. hmmm that's tricky. I'll try to put possitive ones down too...

1) I'm a singer/song writer guitarist type. Manchester has a brilliant music scene, and yeah a typical night out wouldbe going to watch a band. it's yet another part of me that died when I moved south. I've not sung live to a crowd since I moved here. the little folksie songstrel image no longer fits with the way I now live. I'd feel like a fraud. my boyfriend, bless him, bought mr another guitar for my birthday last year in the hope I would play more. (I now have 4 guitars!!) I play at home, only a couple of times a week. I sing and write songs for just me and him. and I quite like that, it's our secret. he says the sweetest things and that I have the most lovely voice he's ever heard..... vom! but cute. I think he genuinely means it too and believes it to be true. sometimes he cries when I play... ha! god he'd kill me for telling anyone that!!

2) my mum has multiple sclerosis. it's a central nervous system disorder that wears away the insulation around the nerves leaving them useless. she's had it since I was about 8 years old. it used to be really bad when I was younger but then went quiet for a while. there are different types - she used to have relapse/remittance, which basically means it comes and goes, and although each episode can be very bad you can recover from them. one day she'd wake up unable to move her leg for example, then a week later it would improve (or not in the case of her hand) 

she hasn't had a formal MS 'attack' for years though, we thought she was getting better. but the past 18 months or so it has progressed into a different form - now it's classed as progressive. so basically the attacks are less intense and less isolated, but more of a slow constant stream of deterioration that you don't improve from.

it's tough. and it took me a long time to be understanding. she has a terrible memory and it used to infuriate me! I'd talk about my best friend and she'd ask "who's that?" and I'd snap. she'd tell me the same thing on the phone all the time, and I'd snap. her husband's the same - gets frustrated. but appart from when I got sick and lived with her for almost a year to recover, I'd not lived with her for about 8 years. I'd not spent more than a few days in her company. so I didn't notice things. I missed the details that are hidden on visits of just a few days. 

in October I took her on a holiday with my bonus from work. we went to Spain for a week, just me and her. I was aware that she was getting worse and wouldn't be able to walk for much longer so wanted to give her one last nice girlie mother and daughter trip together. she's done so much for me (obviously - she's my mum - it's what they do. but what she's done for me goes way beyond the normal realms). it was a very VERY difficult week. it was like looking after a toddler, but harder. i had no idea how bad things had got for her. not phisically, I was aware of that, but I mean her thought process and logic and reasoning - it's just terrible. she's incapable of making the simplest decisions and being able to see what consequences will result from them. but then she gets angree when decisions are made for her.

we were walking down the street together and there was a bench in front of us. I walked to the right as she went left. she got upset and distressed that we were separated and started to shake and almost cry. she couldn't see that in about 2 seconds we would be walking side by side again.

it's terribly sad. and I don't know if she's aware of what's happening inside her head or if she's oblivious. which is worse?

since then she's now unable to leave the village she lives in (according to her husband) as it's "too hard" for him to deal with that and the day out just gets ruined. she's trapped. no one will take her for a day out, even into town. she got £100 clothes vouchers for Christmas from her work (one hour a day answering the phone in the estate agent on her road) but no one will take her to spend them. it breaks my heart.


since February she can now longer use her legs properly. she can't walk for more than a couple of minutes and has a wheel chair. she doesn't seem to mind it though.

god she has the most amazing inner strength of anyone I know. she has had the toughest life I know of. it saddens be to the core and makes my heart bleed to think of the things she has faced. abused in the most horrific way by her step father as a child, she buried her first two babies due to cot death and spina-bifda (sorry, can't spell) then gets this awful illness herself. then her husband (my dad) left her when I was 17 (I'll come to that later...) without warning. just upped and left one day after almost 30 years of marriage. then I almost died on her at the age of 21. 

but she is so possitive. never sweats the big stuff. she's been a great role model and I strive to be more like her everyday. always laughing and smiling. 


Shit. I wasn't intending on rambling for this long. guess I don't really get chance to splurt it all out like this to my friends. it comes out in drip drip drips. a bit at a time. I feel quite sad writing this post actually. well I have no space for the other 5 things about myself, so maybe I'll write one each day for a week? gives me chance to think of something more uplifting.

Well, I should be working. the scientist from NASA is arriving this afternoon to work in my office, best tidy up and put all my empty coke zeros in the recycling....

a sad and thoughtful Vi x x

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

The 3 day British Heart Foundation diet


argh so I've not posted in a while - sorry. I slipped up one day and so didn't post. then I saw I had ovet 20 unread blogs and thought I can't possibly read all of those now, then the next day it got worse and I ate more as a result... downward spiral.

plus I feel like I have nothing interesting to write down anyway - so why bother? I'm sorry ive not replied to msgs - I'll get on that right after this.

so my 15 daychallenge was a fail. I don't even know what day I'm on but it's prob about 13 or summat.

I'd stopped looking at the scale. it said 125.8 this morning. to be fair I thought it was more. so I'm gunna start over. but I'm gunna have a go at doing it.... the healthy way?? I think. well, I'm gunna do this 3 day detox which I found online to quick start my diet. it looks quite typical, all fresh fruit veg and natural stuff as expected. 

my brother (who got a bit chunky since he hit 30) and his girlfriend have been doing the British Heart Foundation diet. it again is 3 days long, and can be done once each week. it's based on food combining and the chemical reactions that are triggered from combining particular foods together. its claimed youll loose up to 10 pounds in the 3 days if followed EXACTLY to the letter. the diet it's self has come under scrutiny though as some of the foods in it are a little odd - ice cream, hot dogs... and I must point out, I had a look at the BHF website and they deny any endorsement or link with this diet, so I don't know where it's name came from. 

but get this.... my brother lost 9 pounds!! in 3 days! but yeah, he's a chunk and has never dieted and plays lots of sport so metabolism's quite high. but his girlfriend - who's much slimmer than me lost 7 pounds!!!! not sure what happened to those pounds after she finished the diet. I'm sure it's just water weight and is not maintainable. it is what it is - a fad diet. and I'm sure the weight goes straight back on.... but still... I'm gunna give it a go!!!

my bro and his girlf are doing it for the second time - tues, weds, and thuurs. they've been updating on facebook and it's catching on, all their friends are jumping on the band wagon and commenting about it loads. 

so, 3 day detox (raw, natural stuff, will post details later maybe) then 3 day British Heart Foundation diet.

starting tomorrow...
Vi x 

Monday, 10 May 2010

The quest for 120... Day 6

124.0. Ughhh!! Bloody weekends! Taking your eye off the ball even slightly over the weekend can negate all the hard work you put in over the preceeding week. I'm on day 6 and so only have a net loss of 1lb... Needed to lose 1lb per three days to be on track and lose the 5lb in the fifteen days of this challenge. I'm not going to alter the goal posts though - hopefully it's just a blip and will go back down tomorrow. I've forced myself to go without today. I've had two cups of tea and an apple throughout the day, and sushi for dinner. I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill. Well, I say ran, more like a slow crawl.

I was massively bored at work today, so I made a graph of my weight since I started blogging... Hee hee!! I may post it on here if I figure that out. Maybe just for this 15 day challenge. Will be insightful to look at where problem days occur and good days and look for patterns. (ever the mathematician in me!!)

Stats for the day
Weight: 124.0 
Food: as above... About 600 cals
Exercise: slow and painful 2 mile jog...

Sunday, 9 May 2010

The quest for 120... Day 5

123.8, I'm not surprised. Really sleepy so I won't stick around long...

Night night...
Vi x

The quest for 120... Day 4

This post is for yesterday.

122.8 How on earth did it drop??? No idea that's crazy. I got cocky though - ate lots and it's definitely going to go up again. 

Had a really good day actually. I've been feeling a little lost lately. Well, it's not as dramatic as it sounds trust me!! It's just, well most of my life I'd lived in the north. Leeds, sheffield, and most recent manchester. And I dunno I don't believe in the north south divide but I did and still do sometimes feel a little out of place and miss home. My friends and social group when I lived in Manchester were all sort of girls like me who don't just live for work, who wear makeup, who care about what clothes they wear and what their hair's like. I guess you could say I knocked about with the in crowd. We were the girls in the night clubs, at the parties and who seemed to be on the website's photo page with the most views.

But I was clever too. I got good grades on my course, did a masters and now do a very technical sciency job. I moved to the south for my job as it was a great opportunity, and I don't regret it for one second. I'd never been to the town I now live in before and moved in to a random house share three days before starting my job. I met my now boyfriend after having moved in just three hours before, and he offered to be my tour guide... The rest you say, is history.

My friends at work, suffice to say, are not the it crowd. They discuss issues and concepts that I don't fully understand, and just have that kind of nerdy geeky social awkwardness about them. In meetings at work I'm sometimes made to feel dumb and unimportant just because I look as though I might be. Most are from very different back grounds to me and sometimes I guess it's just weird. I have made friends, and they're lovely, they're just very different to old friends. I find myself trying too hard - my blend of Yorkshire/Lancashire accent has faded and the social events I now attend are a world away from my old life. My mum thinks that I've made it, and have changed my life from what it was destined to be and is eternally grateful and proud of me for that. I come from a very poor background and my family were miners. We had nothing. I got the grades to go to uni, and got a grant due to my family income. I still left uni with more than 30 grand debt, but I was determined to change my life. My mum is chuffed to bits for me.

But somedays I wake up and think "what the fuck am I doing? This isn't me?" my boyf is quite middle class and talks posh. He listens to radio 4 and reads the gaurdian, and we host dinner parties where we dress up nicely and our guests bring us flowers and kiss us each cheek. We've been invited to watch a polo game in June. I'm in a different world and have lost a part of myself that I didn't want to loose.

Today though, I went shopping with a girl from work who is only a couple of years older than me. She started a few months ago, and she's just loads of fun.  She reminds me of who I used to be. She's loud, outspoken, drinks and smokes lots, wears makeup and even high heals to work. We clicked straight away and even my boyfriend jokes that I have a girl crush on her. 

I tried a dress on and she said I was tiny and looked like a little doll... Not quite but it felt nice. We went off to the pub at around 4pm, then just stayed out all evening until 2am.  (hence writing this up midday on sunday) It was so much fun, she brings out a side to me that is so comforting. Don't get me wrong, I love my new life. I love my boyfriend and the friends Ive made. I love the oportunity my job gives me. It's just all so different, and not something my boyfriend or anyone else willl ever comprehend.

States for the day
Weight: 122.8
Food: I've not even spoke about food today. It wasn't important - I was enjoying myself. I ate lots. I drank. I laughed. I lived. Sunday morning the scales had jumped back up, but that's for day 5's post...
Total cals: 1300 ish. Not including booze.
Exercise: dancing :)

Vi x x

Saturday, 8 May 2010

Change of a name

hi... Shrinking Violet here...

Ok ok ok so I don't know if this is against the rules or something, but basically the name I'd picked, shrinking violet, was already taken by someone else when I joined. Some people following me are also following her and it's just way confusing. So I changed it. It's still me though :) Blogging from Skinny Genes rather than Shrinking Violet. I also changed violet to vicky.

Vi x

Friday, 7 May 2010

Quest for 120... Day 3.

Before I write anything I have a slight edit on yesterdays intake... :( had a bit of chocolate last night during the election. Not too much, a few bits, maybe 100 cals. And two glasses of wine...

123.6 today - yayyyyyy!!! Loving the rapid progress so far. But that normally happens in the first few days. Got the weekend coming up which is always difficult and usually results in a gain this early on in the fasting process. So I'm sure it's gunna plateau out and be difficult to lose any more.

I had a 'dear diary' moment this morning which made me chuffed to bits! I was sat on the sofa at home, kinda balancing on the edge with my legs pointed sideways if you get me. I was trying to roll a cigarette on my lap when the filter rolled off the paper and onto my legs. I quickly squeezed my thighs together to stop it falling on the floor, but it fell straight through the gap... I had a smile on my face ear to ear as I sat and squeezed as hard as I could and still my thighs would not touch. So yeah my legs weren't splatted out againgst the sofa or anything, but still, this is a great little boost. 3.6 pounds to go until I can eat again. It seems like such a small amount, but I know it's not. I know it's gunna be tough.

By the time I got to work I felt absolutely starving. My stomach was actually hurting. I drank loads of water, and an orange cordial, and a cup of tea, but it was no use. I didn't feel dizzy or anything just sooo so hungry!!! They do 'fry up fridays' at work, and so I'd resigned myself to getting 1 piece of toast. I could take that hit surely? Well... I went to stand in the queue and the bloody toaster was broken. Argh!!! Somehow somewhere my little ana angel rescued me from the toast and also stopped me getting some fried shit instead. I kept thinking back to the moment on the sofa, stayed strong and reached for a fruit bowl. Grapes, melon, strawbs and pineapple. Though when I sat down with it, most of it was rotting or tinned fruit. Yuck! Left most of it, and still felt hungry. I hate days like this, when the hunger is so bad it hurts. it's so disheartening but I'm not gunna hate myself for eating, or get too down about it: I had half a tuna steak for lunch with some veggies. Still felt starving when I got home, with the knowledge that I had to try and survive a dinner party later that evening...

my plan was to only eat until I was no longer hungry, but as I have massive "finish your plate syndrome" I ate everything and felt really full!   

Gotta keep moving forward and just hope tomorrow will be easier. And anyway, as long as the numbers keep going down that's all that matters right now.

I have written down somewhere in an old diet log book thing what all my measurement were back in January. All the usual waist, hips, bust, thigh, arm, bmi, weight, weight of body fat, body fat percentage. I'll dig it out, and also post my current stats. Or maybe I should wait until I'm at 120? I'm not sure. What do you think? If it's a big difference it will really spur me on, but if it's not then... Eek! I can't remember what I weighed in jan. Maybe 135, 137? Need to dig out that book!!!

Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend in town to go shopping - hope she'll have eaten before I meet her at half one and isn't planning on going for lunch...

Stats for the day
Weight: 123.6
Calorie intake: fruit salad, half tuna steak, veggies, cheese, salad, bits and bobs like potato wedges and mushrooms, vienetta ice cream (ha! How northern and working class!)
Total cals: hmm... Guess here... 1200??!?! Eek!
Exercise: big fat nothing. 

Will not be surprised with a gain tomorrow!!

Violet x x 

Thursday, 6 May 2010

The quest for 120... Day 2.

It's gunna be q bit more of a challenge this time round. You remember I said I have my own office at work? This is great for excuses about not having lunch for all the obvious reasons. There's also a visitors desk in my room which is used like once every three or four weeks depending on when our team gets a visitor (most people have two person offices, there's an odd number on my team and I got lucky - but have to have the spare hot desk in with me). 

So the guy who came to visit yesterday is coming back soon... For THREE MONTHS!!!!! Oh my god!!! I've got so used to not sharing my room. And he's gunna notice me skipping lunch. What to do....?!?! He's a visiting scientist from America who I've been collaborating with for the past 6 months or so. Shame my work didn't send me there for three months instead... Gutted!

Argh I smoked way too much yesterday. God knows why, I wasn't drinking or anything. I've started smoking roll ups during the week now (gross, I know) cos they're about a quarter of the price!! Then I buy a real pack for the weekend. But yesterday, ugh I smoked loads and my throat was killing me this morning.

So, 124.8 on the scales this morning. We're getting somewhere! Did quite well with food today also. On Thursdays I host a little running club at work during lunch. It's loads of fun, just with my friends and even though it's short distance and quite slow I really enjoy doing that. There's only about 6 of us most weeks. But there's a big conference in Vienna this week that all my social group have gone to, so I went out on my own enabling me to do a 5 miler. Argh i wish I'd gone to the conference!! Had nothing interesting to present right now so maybe next time.

Ooo it's general election day today - I just got back from the polling station about an hour ago. Gunna try and stay up and watch the results come in, though I'll prob fall asleep really early!!! Very exciting though!!

Stats for the day:
Weight: 124.8
Food: apple, banana, 3 bites of a cheese salad butty, left over stir fry from last night
Total cals: 600?
Exercise: 5 mile jog

Tarah for now,
Violet x

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

The quest for 120... Day one.

The past few weeks the scales and I have been getting on quite well. They've generally stayed around the 125 mark. Give or take the daily fluctuations and odd ups and downs here and there. When I started this blog I outlined my fool proof 'weight loss plan' and this has really worked for me. To re-itterate the plan is to loose weight in five pound chunks, by whatever drastic and fast means necessary. i.e. to starve myself. then try and stick at that weight for a few weeks at least before trying to loose more weight. This may seem tedious and very frustrating as I know we all wanna loose weight, and fast!! But this technique really works for me in so many ways. Here's a few reasons why, just to remind myself during those difficult times when the temptation is there to try and loose more rather than maintaining.

1). It trains your body into having a new "stable weight." sort of like re-booting the system. Our bodies seem to have a particular stable weight that it feels comfortable at, and will try to get back to if that makes sense. So if my stable weight is 125, and then I slip up or binge, generally it will drop back off as my body is comfortable at 125. Equally if I try and starve myself and loose weight rapidly for a day or two, then have a slip up, the scales will quickly jump back up. So it's a sort of damage control having a new, lower, stablised weight.

2). It gives the body time to recover. All those vitamins and minerals that my body was missing and crying out for can get replenished.

3) it keeps people off your back! All those people who were starting to catch on, or getting fed up of me never wanting to socialise in times of going out for meals or whatever are silenced.

4) it give me chance to focus on my running. Running long distance is a big hobby of mine, and it requires a lot of fuel. Ugh. My performance really suffers when I don't eat, so it's a chance to hit the training hard when I can give my body the right energy.

5) it gives my metabolism a boost. So when the next dieting phase begins the pounds fly off in the first few days, just like starting any diet from scratch does.

6) maintain focus. It kinda gives me a new motivation for when the next cycle starts up again. By the end of two or three weeks of maintaining, I'm raring to go and chomping at the bit so to speak to get back to fasting and restricting. It makes me really excited about the next target!

7) it makes it more managable, breaking it down in to bite sizes chunks. Ooo I'm full of the food related puns today!! Therefore keeping my motivation up as I know it's not forever. I'm also less likely to binge if it's just for a week or two and not perminant.

8) I'm less likely to slip up if I know it's only for a finite amount of time. When you're counting down the days like that instead of just endlessly plodding along you know there's an end in sight so is far more acheivable.

I started this plan of mine when I was in the mid-high 140s, with 140 as my first goal weight. (I was around 130 when I started this blog though) Then 135, 130, and now I'm at 125, tomorrow is the start of:

The Quest For 120.... 

Yayyyyyy!!! I'm really REALLY excited about it!! I'm not sure how long it will take to get to 120. 10 days? Two weeks maybe?? Who knows... But here it goes!!! I'm gunna set a target here, of 15 days to loose the weight. That's not to say I won't do it quicker or slower, I genuinely have no idea, but it's just to have a timescale and a date to focus on. That means by May 20th I want to weigh 120. 1lb in every three days. Should be fine. And in the first week it should happen quite quickly. Once I'm at 120 I'm gunna force myself to try and stay there for a whole month. Until at least June 20th (provided I hit 120 by may 20th!) I MUST DO THIS PART!!!! 115 is my ultimate goal, and so that final stage is more important than any other. It's a marathon, not a sprint, and I MUST remember that. It's too important to fuck up and risk failure and becoming fat again. 

So the plan is to eat as little as possible each day until the scale says 120. Then there's the exit strategy - re-introducing food gradually each day over the course of a week or two, until I can maintain that weight for a decent period of time. 

I can't wait to weigh 120. According to various charts I've found online, 120 is the last number in the "healthy weight range" for my height. I can't wait to not see that word any more!!!

 I want a body that matches my face. I'm sick of these girls who are really not that attractive, but just appear to be beacuse they're so skinny. Not that I'm gorgeous or anything. But It's not fair. Ugh!! It's like they're being let off the fact that they're ugly because they have the discipline (or natural ability?) to be thin. Not fair...!

I'll be updating every single night before i go to bed with how I've got on, what I weigh each morning, and what I had to eat that day. I use my iPhone to blog, so I'll save up my thoughts, progress, etc in the note pad during the day then post at the last minute before I go to sleep, so no chance of slip up!!!

Stats for the day
Weight: 125.6 
What I ate: salad for lunch. Had to. Work meeting and there's a visitor who's set up camp in my office this week, had to take him along. Stir fry veg for tea. Not all bad I guess. All things beyond my control.
Total cals: ummm, I'm guessing about 600? Surely not more than that...?
Exercise: ...none!

Night night,
Violet x x

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

No wedding bells... Still...

Good morning

Eeek! I'm back at work today after four days off. I'm really not enjoying my job at the moment, it's just too hard. Id love to work for myself - start my own company or cafe or something. 

I can't believe how much food I ate this weekend I just couldn't stop myself. Not just the wedding but Sunday too. It was like I was in some sort of trance and nothing would pull me out of it. My weight has still remained at or close to 125 - I've been trying to hold it there for a few weeks now before loosing any more weight.

Weddings have such a strange effect on me. It's like I turn into psycho girlfriend or something. (only in my head though - i try to reign in the crazy around my boyfriend!) but it's like...

When are you going to ask me to marry you?!

 I know I'm young, but we've been together so long and are so sure about each other. We've spoken about it and so I know that getting married is where we both wanna be at at some point. I guess I'm just in more of a rush than him. It's just so important to me to get married, I feel like things will only be right once we are. A lot of our friends are married or engaged. When will it be my turn?! :( I take it so personally when he doesn't ask me though. Like if we go somelacw nice or for a nice walk, I work myself up about it so much and keep convincing myself "tonight could be the night" but it never is. Why am I so goddamned obsessed with this?!?! I just feel like somethings missing. I wish he would hurry up and ask me. Soon!!! It's got to be sometime this year, surely. Ands it's another motivation for my diet too. I can never talk to him about this, or ask him myself. Being proposed to is such an amazing experience, and I wouldn't want to miss that for the world. I'm such a traditionalist - he has to ask me. Unprompted.

Ughh can someone please shake me?!?!

Sunday, 2 May 2010




Bank holiday weekend

Yayyy love bank holiday!

Shame the weathers been so shite though. I've had a fab weekend so far, two very good friends of mine got married yesterday, how lovely. But, of course, there was loads of food there. As in breakfast, lunch, and three course dinner (it wasn't a traditional English wedding) so there's no way I could have got away with not eating. So I took one for the team and ate.


I'm finding it very frustrating not being able to truely divulge any specific details about who I am. It's fucking annoying. This is meant to be a place where I can be myself and be honest, yet I'm constantly terrified that I'll get busted. And not just big things. Take for example my job. I can't even say what I do as a job, as there's only one company in the country that emplys people to do it - so it would give the game up leaving me traceable. But it's small things too- for example like I wanna say "sorry my gramma is sometimes terrible, but I'm posting from my iPhone" as I think shit, you'll know I have an iPhone, what if that's a clue to my identity... Tut. Everyone has an iPhone. I need to get a grip. I'm scared to write exactly what I ate, in case someone from my circle of friends is here and thinks "hmm, VIOLET had that same dinner last night, what if it's her..."

chill out girl!! There's over 6 billion people in the world!! No ones gunna bust you!!


I should pull myself together.

If the weathers not too bad tomorrow me and my boyfriend are gunna take a trip to ~Non Specified Pretty Historic Town~ not too far from where we live. Should be nice.


god I still feel full from yesterday. Thankfully we both got so hammered that hang over has rendered him unable to eat anything all day too, so I'm off the hook... Safe for another day!

Violet x x

Friday, 30 April 2010

Food addiction

Eek!! So I said this last time, and I'll say it again. Sorry for the massive delay between my last post and this. Lifes been hectic, but isn't it always? That's no excuse. So since my last post I've gone back to my old ways of trying not to eat. I've entered into three running races in the next 6 months, so I'm running 4-5 times a week. I've been really skint these past couple of weeks, so I couldn't afford food even if I wanted to!!

Want to say a big thank you to elle - so sweet of you to mention me in your blog with the sunshine award. I don't have many followers here, but if any of u aren't following elle, go over and listen to her she's lovely. Don't know how to link to her page but it's xellex!!

I wanna try and put into words the massive paradox that is going on in my life and has been for a while. And I suspect some of you here also maybe feel the same. I'm talking about food addiction.

Ok so this is a real phenomenon. Most people think it's an excuse that fat people invented to validate themselves, but it's real. 

Is it possible to be a food addict AND have some form of annorexic eating disorder? Most definitely.

Food addiction is bizarre. The overwhelming desire to eat SOMETHING usually something terribly bad for you, NOW. Sometimes when you're not even hungry, but usually when you're full. It's the cravings, the fact that chocolate and crisps seem to whisper your name and call you. It's the reason a lot of us fall prey to the ever depressing binge-or-bust cycle. 

I would definitely say that am a food addict. In the same way that an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink for years will always carry that label and have those cravings for the majority of their lives - "my name is violet and I am a food addict." i guess I'm always destined to be. How to combat it? Sensible dieting? Be a bit more active? Where is that turning point where you start to work out like crazy at the gym to try and cancel out the stupid binge even when you weren't hungry, then promising not to eat tomorrow to make up for it? When does the realisation of something more sinister occur - we've turned to ana and mia. And further on down the line, the acceptance of that, it's now a way of life.

But here's the REAL problem - the one fundamental difference between food addiction and all the other conventional addictions like drugs, booze and fags, and the reason for the spiral towards ana. With all these classic additions the key to breaking free and expelling those demons is abstinance. Cold turkey. So you're going to quit smoking - you can NEVER have a cigarette ever again. You're going to quit the drink - you can NEVER have a glass of wine ever again. You can see where I'm going here... What is a food addict to do? So you're addicted to food, but medical science and any sane doctor would never tell you that the way to give up the addiction is to NEVER eat food ever again. 

We are forced to try and kick this awful and very real addiction, while all the time keeping it alive by consuming three meals a day for the rest of our lives... Now that's fucked up!!?!? How on earth would a smoker kick that habit if they were told they had to quit smoking, but still go on having cigarette EVERY SINGLE DAY in order to survive? 

This is the reason for my binge-bust. We starve our selves in order to block out this addiction and plan (or slip up) to have something light or small to keep us ticking over... Then BAM... some part of our food addicted brain kicks in and says "YES!!! I WANT MOOOORE!!! GIVE ME MORE FOOD!!!!"

How on earth do we deal with such a dilemma??

A very puzzled Violet x

Sunday, 18 April 2010

Wow so I've not posted in a little while - bad me.

I just lost all desire to watch what I eat. I didn't care that I was overweight, in fact I was ENJOYING eating three meals a day and snacks inbetween. I wasn't bothered by what the scales would say so I didn't look. Not once.

Now I wish I had cared the past week or so. It's so ridiculous this bloody yo-yo dieting when I start on it it consumes me and I'm so determined but then when I quit I all out quit.

I'm turning into my mother.

Summers almost here and I look like a walruss in a vest top. This is not a good look. I guess I am back. I'm pretty sure my last post prompted the move toward a normal diet. I freaked myself out with health worries.

But I am fine, I'm not sick anymore, my body can cope I need to keep telling myself that.

So I'm back to fasting again I guess. Tge scale read an ugly 128.2 this morning and I really feel it. Neeeeeeed to be 125..... And FAST!!! I have a dress I want to fit in to in two weeks. 3 pounds in two weeks is totally acheivable so that's the plan. By any means neccessary.

I'm off to catch up on all tge blogs I've missed while I was consumed in the fatness...

Violet x

Saturday, 10 April 2010

Obsessions and confessions

I've had not a single second to write in days. Had the odd cheeky catch up on what some of you guys have been doing but no chance to write myself.

It's been a tough and upsetting few days. Family drama etc and no time to starve. Haven't weighed myself for fear and knowledge deep down that I'm probably closer to 130 than 125 now.

 A huge part of me is so petrified that someone I know will stumble across this blog and know that it's me. That's stupid and never gunna happen but it still scares me. It's not the sort of place any of my friends would come. But then again they'd think that this isn't the sort of place that I would come... I get these strange ideas that maybe one someone I've met on here could be someone I know in the real world. Wouldn't that be odd? If me and my long lost best friend from high school or whatever were unknowingly exchanging secret stories on here...?! 

Impossible, but still I think these things.

I want to share with you guys an experience that I went through a couple of years ago, which would definitely rat me out to anyone that does know me and would for sure expose me for who I really am. But in for a penny, in for a pound. It's only fair that you guys should know to some higher order who am I and what makes me ticks... And this is something that has shaped me into who I really am.

A couple of years ago I had graduated from uni, and not knowing what I wanted to do next I decided I would move back home to my mums for a year to try and claw my way out of debt, and figure out a plan. Well someone up there had a different plan for me and decided to fuck up my life for a long time. I got sick. Well that's a bit of an understatement. My heart rate soared and I became dizzy before collapsing to the floor. My mum called an ambulance and I was rushed to a+e for life saving treatment, a three day stint in intensive care followed by 5 weeks on a ward and a year of appointments and rehibilitarion. I'd had a massive bilateral pulmonary embolism. It was terrifying and I was lucky to have survived. Being on the contraceptive pill and a smoker the doctors put it down to that, but being only 20 years old I guess it was just one of those things.

After a 6 week course of clexane injections self administered into my tummy (drug known as lovenox in the US) I was put on a 6 month course of warfarin (coumadin in the us) which in all honesty, if anyone has any experience of this drug, was the most miseable experience in my life. My hair fell out, I had constant headaches and was too ill from the side effects to work so I stayed home for 9 months and spiraled further into depression.

The other massive blow about warfarin is it's dramatic interactions with food. Or lack of. Everying I ate would send my INR values (once a week blood monitering to check clotting ability) all over the place. I tried my best to eat while I was in hospital but tge nurses threatened to keep me in and sent a food doctor to speak to me. Once I got out of hospital I was left to my own devices, but tge lack of food I was eating had a dramitic effect on my medication and my liver began to fail. I was devastated. I got obsessed with food and nutrition and studied ceaslessly to understand the effects that different foods were having on me and my medication. I dietician helped me devise a food plan and for the last 3 months of being on warfarin. I ate tge exact same food at tge exact same time each and every day... How dull... But I had to, my body was failing me. It was so meticulos that I would have for example 10 red grapes at 11am, and drink tge same amount regardless of thirst of hunger, or being too full. It was tge only way I could regulate the drugs and my INR.

Two and a half years on and I'm still effected. I still smoke, and any twinge makes me frightened for my life. I know what I'm doing with my diet is dangerous, but I can't help it. And I'm off the medicine. My lungs are ok, and now I have the occasional check of lung function and to check my right side of my heart has not become enlarged.

I know I should take better care of myself. If I ever have another PE again, or even DVT I'll be back on warfarin, this time for life. 

I just can't seem to get a grip. Seems like I'm scared, but maybe not scared enough.


So that's a little more about me.

It is however nice to be back.
Violet x 

Wednesday, 7 April 2010


Fat fat fat

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Song thinspo!

So today I'm leaving my mums, re-joining my boyf (who bailed on coming with me here...) and we're going to stay at his mum's for two nights. Travel back home on Thursday. Eek! It's gunna be tougher there than at my own mum's - it's one thing telling my own mum to stop trying to feed me up, but it's a bit rude refusing dinner as a guest in my in-laws house. Hmmm. Tricky.

The next time I can weigh myself in my own house with my own scale is Friday morning. Come on 125...

Been listening to Laura Marling again today who I LOOOVE! (You guys should deff check her out!!!) Found a lyric in one of her songs giving a little nod to our community over here:

"I'll wander the streets avoiding them eats 'til the ring on my finger slips to the ground..."

(Ooops, hope she never find this, I'll get sued!!) It's from the song "My Manic and I" on her first album "Alas I can not swim."

Lovely :)

Monday, 5 April 2010

Little pickers wear bigger knickers

Ooo so I've got some pictures up! Sneaked onto my mum's computer. Ok so it's a bit of a botch job with the old cut and paste, and to be frank my 6 year old cousin could have done a better job.

"Hiya sweetie, can you be a good little girl an design me a logo for my pro-ana blog?"
"...what's pro-ana...?"
"well, you're in for a treat!! Give it a few more years and I'm sure you'll find out aaaalll about it..."

Hmmm... Maybe my shitty picture will do...

Ooo less than 100 cals yesterday. prob about 50. And I didn't feel hungry at all. I only ate for fear of what would happen if I didn't eat at all... How stupid! So makes up for going over the day before. I did the age old trick of telling my mum I was eating out with friends, so no dinner please, then telling my friends I'd had a big dinner with my mum. Oldest trick in the book. Ugh I really want to stay at 125 ish and be that weight when I get home, befor embarking on the road to 120. Is so stressful not being able to weigh myself!!! My mum has scales, but it's not MY scales, so not the same...

There seems to be a common theme about returning home to the parent's house amoungst this community - I'm sorry to say I don't break the mould. It's a little bit hellish isn't it? Two more days though... My mum is a compulsive over eater and the house is always filled with food. She complains that she is over weight all the time, then once a month or so will give dieting a half arsed attempt for a day or two before giving up and claiming to accept her shape for what it is and that mums are meant to be tubby anyway. I know how she feels. I know exactly how she feels.

Last time I stayed I happened to arrive during one of her diet phases. It was in the new year just after Christmas and innevitably it lasted a day or two before she broke. I on the other hand am always on a bloody 'diet', and when she fails she wants me to fail too. "go on love, I've had one, let's sod the diet..." I get it, I get why she does it, it makes her less of a failure if I am too... but, just uggghhhh!!! Her behavouir is like that of a drug pusher, except with chocolate.

I;m not gunna call her names, I love her dearly, and I guess the important thing I must remember to bare in mind - this is MY issues, NOT hers. I can't take it out on her, she's done nothing wrong. I';ll just have to keep lying to her face instead... oh dear. I'm sorry mummy!!

Her and my step-dad both said I looked fab and have I lost weight. I always find it a little bit unbareable when people say these things though. I know that's the wrong way round - I'm meant to like it, it's meant to be encouraging. But being told how slim I'm looking NOW implies that i WAS disgracefully larger before, the exact time in the past when I said I was fat and they all said No you're not, don't be silly... So what they're really saying is "you know all those times in the past when I told you that you looked great, well, I lied. You looked fat. You were a big fat cow."


Violet x x

Sunday, 4 April 2010

My arms are made of mars bars!

No idea what I weigh this morning as I wasn't quite barking enough to pack my giant scales in my overnight bag and bring them. Scary, but liberating too, makes me a little bit giddy! I can work towards 125 by the time I get home...

When my train got in I had more than an hour to wait so did a bit of window browsing and tried on some dresses, just to see if I really can fit a size 8 now. Apparently yes, tho my boobs are a little squashed. The gross thing is my arms, they're hideous!!!! The grossest thing I've ever seen they're fat and wobbly and full of gross celulite too. I'd do anything to be able to wear a vest top... Argh nearly spring!!! 

I had a bag of crisps last night, not exactly a massive binge, and I did feel absolutely starving. Yesterday was tough. I've not felt hungry all week but god all day long... I'll be stronger today :) I'm determined to be 125 when I get back home!!

Happy Easter everyone!!

Big love, 
Violet x

Saturday, 3 April 2010


I'm currently on a train. Stupid train doesn't have wi-fi, stupid!! I'm going to my mums house until Tuesday. She lives in a tiny little village where there is no mobile phone network. That also means I can't get an Internet connection. I should still be able to post though, I'll just write what I want to say in my note pad then copy and paste when I get a signal. I may struggle to get signal for long enough to read browse and read through everyone elses blogs, but I am still here and can catch up when I get home.

The scales read 126.2 this morning and I'm not surprised. I ate more yesterday than intended as I was with my boyf all day long. I had around 500 or 600 cals as I was with my boyfriend all day long. He sent me to the shop to get some things, and asked that I get him a boost bar. I read the calorie content and it was 370 or something! That one tiny chocolate bar has more than I would eat in a typical day!

So today I will fast. Luckily I'm in solitude until about 6pm when I arrive at home as I'm travelling all day. Although I am in first class which entitles me to free food... The only thing more tempting than food is free food!

So yesterday I read a post by xellex. I'm not sure about the etiquette here in regards to discussing other peoples posts, so elle please let me know if I'm doing wrong and I will remove this. But It was so insightful and powerful that it made me stop and take look at my own life. I never claimed to have annorexia or anything close, nor do I fully understand the complexities of the disorder. The only thing I know is my own disfunctional existance and struggle with food and body image which I strive to understand more about each day. But it's a choice right? That's what separates it. I don't live this way because I am forced to? I can stop anytime and return to 2000 cals a day surely? Who knows if that's true or not. And maybe things just aren't as black and white as that anymore. The labels we give people (annorexic, pro ana...) have become scewed and distorted. I saw on a channel 4 documentary sometime ago a theory that every woman has some form of eating disorder. I think it's a definite possibilty. Maybe even an inevitibility in today's society, and is it really surprising? Long gone are the days of eating purely for survival: food is now a social event in it's own right and we live in an age of convenience. It's everywhere. Not just the shopsbut on the tv, in magazines, in our words and in our minds. Inescapable.

...Do I have an eating disorder? Or do I merely have disordered eating habits?

I thought I had found a community where I fit in, where I belong and feel at home and safe. But I'm still just as confused. I don't know what I am or which box I would put myself in. Something for to ponder over during my long train ride...

For now,
Violet x

Friday, 2 April 2010



I'm not making this up! Since Monday, that's like 4 pounds in 5 days... But in all honestly, my sort of stable weight was around 126-127, so I think the jump to 129 was a blip, then I've returned to normal then lost a pound or two. Butbi can sense the innevitable coming - it's gunna jump back up soon I can feel it. It's crucial that I don't binge now, absoluetly critical or it'll all just go back on. I need to keep fasting like I am for a few more days (oh yeah, yesterday had a pear and a piece of toast my boyf made me eat. About 300 cals for the day).

125 is one of my goal weights. I have a plan that when I reach a goal weight (which are multiples of 5) I will then try and just maintain at that weight for a week or two before then trying to get to the next goal. It breaks the diet plan i
down into smaller chunks, while giving the body chance to get used to the weight loss, and recharges the metabolism. Also following a plan like this gives a chance for family and friends to back off having a go at me!! So I need to think very carefully about my "exit strategy." i.e. Stop starving myself for two whole weeks to try and stay at 125. The aim in that two week window is to eat 'normally' and if my weight goes outside of a range of 124.5-125.5 then need to adjust eating habits accordingly. and bloody well stick to it!! Clearly I can't just go out and celebrate with a burger else it will ping back on. I'm scared of having a binge so the plan is to gradually re-introduce food back in at a steady rate. So here's the plan of food for the next few days:

Eat 300 cal per day max until weight is <125 for at least 3 consecutive days. Then can tick the "hit 125" box.
Day 1 of "exit strategy": 350-400 cals, have something for breakfast (like apple) then continue to hold out all day.
Day 2: same as above.
Day 3: 400-450 cals: breakfast, small snack at lunch (all fruit so far) then dinner.
Day 4: same as above
day 5: 450-500
day 6: 500-600

then keep having between 600 and 1000 cals per day, unless weight goes over 125 then it's back to what I'm doing now for a day.

Exciting times!!!

Off for my breakfast: a pint of water and a marlboro light :)

thanks to the two others who are now following this blog as well, you're lovely!
Violet x x

Thursday, 1 April 2010


So this is a good day.

The sun has FINALLY started to shine for once which does wonders for everyones state of mind and well being. It's just fab I love it. And the clocks changed last weekend which means I can now start running outside again in the evenings rather that at the gym. And also sit out in the beer gardens for longer :)

I went for my run finally last night, 5 miles. For me, the running and the weight loss are two completely separate things. Bit of a paradox or coincidence that one may lead to the other... In fact originally that's why I took it up - to lose weight. But then it took over my life and like everything I obsessed and got hooked in!! I ran a marathon last year, and I actually gained weight doing it!! There is no way on earth I could train for a marathon under my current eating regime. Not a chance, it's massively dangerous, and, well, I'm not a moron!!

I've got a few 10k events coming up this spring, which are ideal for losing weight. 10k is perfectly doable on not much energy. Saying that I've been running long distance for years and so I'm used to it - under no circumstance would I encourage a newbie to go out and run 6.2 miles after starving themselves!!!!

If anyone else is a runner or would like to start, get in touch!! I host a little running club at work on Thursdays :) (not today tho, maundy Thursday)

ah, so today's good yeah. The scales somehow said 126.6...?! No idea how. I guess for the first week of a diet the weight drops off rapidly then stagnates... Or goes back up as motivation falters... We'll see!! Yesterday I had about 2litres of water plus a diet coke, an apple, a veggie burger (250 cals) no bun, just rocket leaves. No idea how many cals on an apple, 500? 100? Plus the 250 for the apple.


So I've been finding new blogs to read :) came across some lovely ones which is great, you guys all seem like really nice genuine people.

There is one thing I'm a little nervous of though, and I hope no one takes offense here at what I'm about to say... Some peoples blogs don't have their age on, or is not updated. I really don't want to following anyone under a certain age... I mean I'm 23, it's just not cool to be giving out diet advice to a 15 year old. it's just irresponsible. Am more than happy to talk about things etc, but no way do I want to be giving tips and hints actively to such young girls. So I've tried to be careful when selecting blogs to follow.

Argh I hope that's not taken in the wrong way, it's just because I'm a little older I don't want to be seen as... Well I don't know, it doesn't seem right!!!!

Also... Ugh my blog looks so lame!!! I'm using my iPhone so haven't had chance to put pictures up or anything. Maybe that's why I have only one follower? Who knows... I'll try get on my laptop and spruse it up a bit :) or figure out how to actually use the mobile tool and post pics from here that way.... Argh I'm rubbing with technology!!!!

Anyway, I'm rambling on like mad.
See you later,
Violet x

Tuesday, 30 March 2010


Shit shit SHIT!! So plans fell by the way side yesterday. 

Traffic was dreadful coming home from work, I didn't get back until almost 7 by which time I've normally finished at the gym. So I didn't go. And my boyfriend had prepared dinner. Was so pissed off about my day to make excuses and he looked so lovely that I didn't want to turn it down. It was a fish cake and loads of veggies. I checked the number of calories - 250. So added to the fruit I had before I supposedly set out for the gym, it's about 350-400. Not a complete disaster but still beyond my control. 

On a plus the scale said 128.2, so that's a bonus.

I bought a winter coat back in November which was intentionally a little too small. Well, I couldn't even do it up. Stupid considering the amount I paid for the bloody thing. All good intentions you see, to force me to lose weight. Well it didn't happen as fast as i'd like - but this morning I could do it up. Finally. Even though it's almost April and is about to get hung up for another year.


Well, back to today. The plan is NO food, except a piece of fruit an hour before the gym, and nothing after that. I'll tell him I ate on the way home...

I feel quite guilty about all of this, but it's something I just have to do.

You understand that right?

Speak soon,
Violet x

A quick update

So it's just before 5 and I'm about to leave work and head to the gym.

I didn't mention I run did I? Lots. Trouble is, I find going to the gym or running so bloody difficult if I feel hungry. I'm too competative and find that just slogging through makes me furious. Need to be faster and go further. But that requires energy - calories.

So far I've eaten nothing. Just water and a coke zero for lunch. But I've just grabbed an apple to try and combat the hungries in the gym. Fingers crossed it keeps me going!!!

Any one have any tips for that??

I'm starting an all out fast tomorrow. For the rest of the week. On the days I'm not running I'm having NO calories. Well, that's the idea. And then just fruit before a run.

I'm superwoman if I can actually stick to that, but that's the plan.

Until tomorrow,
violet x

Contradictions and cycles

I woke up today feeling so completely different. Something has changed and now the wheels are in motion. I feel I am more connected to the hundreds and thousands of other girls (and boys I'm sure, yet I've failed to come across any of you yet...) out there who go through the same torment that I do each day.

But that's just it, isn't it? Is it really torment if I get a kick out of it? Is it really torture if it thrills me so much? The small victories that are celebrated and give me so much joy, which so quickly turn to horror and fear of what I've become.

It's all one big contradiction isn't it? That's the fundamental issue here. Everythings a cycle. I contradict my self each and everyday, and even my own opinions and theories on the subject can do a complete 180 from one day to the next. I look at a fat person eating a sandwich and it turns my stomach as I wonder how they can do that to their bodies. Then I'll snap, and find myself doing the same thing. Funny huh? No, it's gross. Sometimes I think that the key to success with this weight loss thing is just pure simple determination and control - just say no - to everything. But then, as a child of science I sometimes find myself saying how stupid it is to think that starving yourself is a good thing? Surely just eating a regular 1300-1400 cals per day with moderate exercise should see the pounds fly off at a healthy maintable rate...

But that's just not good enough is it? Something in my brain just won't listen. It's not quick enough, there's always something THIS wkend that I want to look good for, not in 6 months time. That progress is too slow. I need to look down at the scales each time and see the numbers drop. And fast. Life in the 21st century is fast, so my diet needs also to be.

Yesterday I started a sort of fast/restriction thing. Not too sure what you would label it as. Basically avoiding all foods unless I'm actually in pain. As I said yesterday it's increadably easy for me to avoid eating on weekdays in regards to other people... It's my own god damn self control that's the issue. Again with the cycles and contradiction. Somedays I have excellent self control, some days I have none and crave the very thing I want to avoid, leading to failure sometimes. Somedays it's completely different and I can't bare the thought of food. Actually can't face it and eating makes me sick. And even weirder is that somedays when that happens I love it - I feel I have achieved some higher state and feel proud. Sometimes I don't even notice that the thought of food hasn't even crossed my mind. And there are times it frightens me to the core, but in all fairness they are few and far between. 

And when it comes to binging, or failing, call it what you will. That spews up a whole other set of contradictions. Sometimes it just is what it is, plain and simple. Sometimes it's a necessity to eat in front of people, so they don't guess, or so they think you're normal. Sometimes its in secret. It's like, I don't want people to know I have a "problem" with food, but I also don't want them to think I ACTUALY EAT... Like a NORMAL human... Ughhhh how GROSS!! 

It's like going to the loo in front of all your friends. Eating, to me, is like that. Something gross and horrific which I like people to think I don't do, but secretly I have to... Yet i have to let them know I eat sometimes or else they'd think me a freak. It's all very confusing. And fascinating.

I want more than anything to break the binge-bust cycle. It's infuriating and can negate an entire days hard work. And it's always the bloody evenings. I just want to break that cycle. 

This morning the scale read a disapionting 129.2lbs. Even that's weird... Being in the UK I used to always weigh in stones, so I'm 9 stone 3 pounds. Since coming across this community, most use the American convension of pounds only, so I've got used to that, and now that feels natural... Odd. 

I want to weigh 115. My goals are in multiples of 5s, so yeah, 125, 120, then 115. It's only like 15lbs, that shouldn't be too hard... Even on a "normal" calorie controlled diet I would drop that in 2-3 months. But I'm hoping to weigh 125 as soon as possible. I'm going away next week so I don't how easy that will be. I'm going to stay with family and my boyf will be there the whole time. Plus it's pay day so he'll want to take me out. I'm not going to set a time target for 125 just yet, as I'll fail. I'll wait until I'm back home.

Oh yeah, I'm 5'7" (closer to 5'8" though I think) apparently each inch in height adds 4lbs to your weight when comparing yourself with someone of a different height. Useful when getting upset about the weight of skinny people who are so short. Someone who's 5'5" ican add about 10lbs onto their weight to make them eqivalent to me. Worth baring in mind...

Anyway works dull today so i'm sure I'll post again later.

Thanks also to lovely xellex who took the time to read this and comment - how lovely, I feel honored :)

Speak soon, 
Violet x

Monday, 29 March 2010

Violet under the microscope

Hi again, why am I back so soon? I just couldn't keep away

So who am I?

Wow, now there's a question. How can you possibly sum up an entire persons existance in this tiny white box?

First things first - I'm not troubled. I'm not confused, or depressed or misunderstood. I know exactly who I am. That doesn't mean to say that lifes been easy for me, quite the contrary if truth be told. But I'm not here to vent about all that's been and gone. I'm sure references will crop up from time to time as and when they rear their ugly heads. But for now and today, I am content.

I think I'm a couple of years older than a lot of the other girls on here whos blogs I've read. I'm 23. I work full time and live with my lovely boyfriend and our cat. 

My place of work is great in that I have my own office, which makes being a border line crazy person when it comes to food a lot easier. I'm quite unhappy In my job (who isn't?) but it's very convenient for that reason alone. When my friends knock on at 12.15 with the inevitable "are u coming to lunch?" I can say any of a huge line of excuses such as: "I've got a lot on, I'll prob just grab a bite later" or, I'll go down with them, as I like the social aspect of joining them (tho HATE watching fat people eat) and say "well I brought pack up and got so hungry I already ate it". No one has noticed a thing. I also smoke, so most days I'll pop to the shop and tell them I got something there. I'm very active too and do a few sporty things during lunch times, therefore avoiding the canteen.

Since as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with food. Well ever since there was an awareness of "thin" or "beautiful". The majority of our eating habits come from our parents, and they become engrained in our own way of life and are so difficult to shake off or become separate from. Both my parents are "large". I've never actually been very large, ignoring the body dismorphia which tells me I'm an elephant, but nor have I ever been anything resembling thin. Like I've said already... Average. But my parents are. My mums a habitual snacker, every evening it's crisps and chocolates and pastries. I used to be the same, I've not lived with her for about.... Ooo 5 years or so, but that desire to stuff my face in the evenings has never left me. It terrifies me. I actually fear food, and can visualise tiny Mars bars swimming through my arms and thighs. It's chilling!!

So, my eating habbits: the whens and the hows. This is by definition how we define ourselves. Our lives, our goals, our successes and failings. so you must be curious. As far as evenings go, they're easy. My boyf is like a twiglet and rarely eats much in the evenings, so i can get away with eating no dinner about two nights a week when he's around, and there's always at least one night that one of us works late. I try not to push it too much so try and makesure whenever I do eat that he's around to see it. It's always something small though. He leaves the house before me in the mornings so breakfast is not a problem. Weekends however are a nightmare. And social occasions. We're very close and do everything together making it impossible for me to skip meals during weekends.

Ok, so I'm talking too much, I just have so much that I want to say I could scream and let it all just spill out. Years and years of hiding away and acting normal, and now finally I am talking. 

I'll be back again tomorrow, I can't wait.

Violet x


Well that was easier than I thought...!

Oh... And so here I am... I don't know what I was afraid of. I thought this would be difficult, but it was actually really simple. Maybe it was my lack of computer skills that have held me back from joining for so long... Maybe it was something else. But whatever it was, it's gone. I'm here. Making the first step towards actually having a real life conversation with someone about this stuff for the very first time in my life. Yikes!

Like I said in my "about me" section... I'm not special or unique... I have come here for very similar reasons as most of you. It's strange, as like I've said already that some peoples blogs I've been following for a long time (over a year now...) so I guess it's a bit daunting coming on here with my own voice. It was always just one sided before. I would just read, and by not interacting I was safe, protected, distanced and not vulnerable. But now what? What if the very same people that I feel like I know reject me? God I don't know. It's dumb.

So, that's why I'm here.

I picked the name Shrinking Violet as I thought it sums me up quite well. Obviously there's the blatent nod towards loosing weight and getting thinner. But also as it's kind of who I am. The plane jane. The wall flower. The shy girl... Well that's not strictly true. You guys will get to know me as and when, and as my blog grows in the way I hope it will. But for now, I am here. I feel as thought I've climbed a mountain.

But I have arrived.

That is all for now,
Violet x