Monday, 5 April 2010

Little pickers wear bigger knickers

Ooo so I've got some pictures up! Sneaked onto my mum's computer. Ok so it's a bit of a botch job with the old cut and paste, and to be frank my 6 year old cousin could have done a better job.

"Hiya sweetie, can you be a good little girl an design me a logo for my pro-ana blog?"
"...what's pro-ana...?"
"well, you're in for a treat!! Give it a few more years and I'm sure you'll find out aaaalll about it..."

Hmmm... Maybe my shitty picture will do...

Ooo less than 100 cals yesterday. prob about 50. And I didn't feel hungry at all. I only ate for fear of what would happen if I didn't eat at all... How stupid! So makes up for going over the day before. I did the age old trick of telling my mum I was eating out with friends, so no dinner please, then telling my friends I'd had a big dinner with my mum. Oldest trick in the book. Ugh I really want to stay at 125 ish and be that weight when I get home, befor embarking on the road to 120. Is so stressful not being able to weigh myself!!! My mum has scales, but it's not MY scales, so not the same...

There seems to be a common theme about returning home to the parent's house amoungst this community - I'm sorry to say I don't break the mould. It's a little bit hellish isn't it? Two more days though... My mum is a compulsive over eater and the house is always filled with food. She complains that she is over weight all the time, then once a month or so will give dieting a half arsed attempt for a day or two before giving up and claiming to accept her shape for what it is and that mums are meant to be tubby anyway. I know how she feels. I know exactly how she feels.

Last time I stayed I happened to arrive during one of her diet phases. It was in the new year just after Christmas and innevitably it lasted a day or two before she broke. I on the other hand am always on a bloody 'diet', and when she fails she wants me to fail too. "go on love, I've had one, let's sod the diet..." I get it, I get why she does it, it makes her less of a failure if I am too... but, just uggghhhh!!! Her behavouir is like that of a drug pusher, except with chocolate.

I;m not gunna call her names, I love her dearly, and I guess the important thing I must remember to bare in mind - this is MY issues, NOT hers. I can't take it out on her, she's done nothing wrong. I';ll just have to keep lying to her face instead... oh dear. I'm sorry mummy!!

Her and my step-dad both said I looked fab and have I lost weight. I always find it a little bit unbareable when people say these things though. I know that's the wrong way round - I'm meant to like it, it's meant to be encouraging. But being told how slim I'm looking NOW implies that i WAS disgracefully larger before, the exact time in the past when I said I was fat and they all said No you're not, don't be silly... So what they're really saying is "you know all those times in the past when I told you that you looked great, well, I lied. You looked fat. You were a big fat cow."


Violet x x

1 comment:

  1. I'm totally the same about compliments. I used to really get annoyed at people saying you look good-have you lost weight? 'Cause I felt it just enforced me feeling crappy if I was anything but thin. Like the two seem to be inextricably related, y'know? It's such a catch 22 with the wanting/not wanting people to notice/comment thing. I had a big thing with my Mum this morning because she wanted me to get on the scales so she could see how much I weigh, but I wouldn't, because I didn't want her to see how fat I am, even though seeing a higher number would be exactly what she needs for peace of mind. How fucked up is that? We are so caught up in what other people think, but at the same time it's like nothing they can ever do or say would really satisfy us. Maybe that's just me.


    p.s. I am perfectly fine with you mentioning me in your blog. As long as people don't say anything offensive I don't mind at all! I hope you don't mind me having you on mine either? x