Saturday, 10 April 2010

Obsessions and confessions

I've had not a single second to write in days. Had the odd cheeky catch up on what some of you guys have been doing but no chance to write myself.

It's been a tough and upsetting few days. Family drama etc and no time to starve. Haven't weighed myself for fear and knowledge deep down that I'm probably closer to 130 than 125 now.

 A huge part of me is so petrified that someone I know will stumble across this blog and know that it's me. That's stupid and never gunna happen but it still scares me. It's not the sort of place any of my friends would come. But then again they'd think that this isn't the sort of place that I would come... I get these strange ideas that maybe one someone I've met on here could be someone I know in the real world. Wouldn't that be odd? If me and my long lost best friend from high school or whatever were unknowingly exchanging secret stories on here...?! 

Impossible, but still I think these things.

I want to share with you guys an experience that I went through a couple of years ago, which would definitely rat me out to anyone that does know me and would for sure expose me for who I really am. But in for a penny, in for a pound. It's only fair that you guys should know to some higher order who am I and what makes me ticks... And this is something that has shaped me into who I really am.

A couple of years ago I had graduated from uni, and not knowing what I wanted to do next I decided I would move back home to my mums for a year to try and claw my way out of debt, and figure out a plan. Well someone up there had a different plan for me and decided to fuck up my life for a long time. I got sick. Well that's a bit of an understatement. My heart rate soared and I became dizzy before collapsing to the floor. My mum called an ambulance and I was rushed to a+e for life saving treatment, a three day stint in intensive care followed by 5 weeks on a ward and a year of appointments and rehibilitarion. I'd had a massive bilateral pulmonary embolism. It was terrifying and I was lucky to have survived. Being on the contraceptive pill and a smoker the doctors put it down to that, but being only 20 years old I guess it was just one of those things.

After a 6 week course of clexane injections self administered into my tummy (drug known as lovenox in the US) I was put on a 6 month course of warfarin (coumadin in the us) which in all honesty, if anyone has any experience of this drug, was the most miseable experience in my life. My hair fell out, I had constant headaches and was too ill from the side effects to work so I stayed home for 9 months and spiraled further into depression.

The other massive blow about warfarin is it's dramatic interactions with food. Or lack of. Everying I ate would send my INR values (once a week blood monitering to check clotting ability) all over the place. I tried my best to eat while I was in hospital but tge nurses threatened to keep me in and sent a food doctor to speak to me. Once I got out of hospital I was left to my own devices, but tge lack of food I was eating had a dramitic effect on my medication and my liver began to fail. I was devastated. I got obsessed with food and nutrition and studied ceaslessly to understand the effects that different foods were having on me and my medication. I dietician helped me devise a food plan and for the last 3 months of being on warfarin. I ate tge exact same food at tge exact same time each and every day... How dull... But I had to, my body was failing me. It was so meticulos that I would have for example 10 red grapes at 11am, and drink tge same amount regardless of thirst of hunger, or being too full. It was tge only way I could regulate the drugs and my INR.

Two and a half years on and I'm still effected. I still smoke, and any twinge makes me frightened for my life. I know what I'm doing with my diet is dangerous, but I can't help it. And I'm off the medicine. My lungs are ok, and now I have the occasional check of lung function and to check my right side of my heart has not become enlarged.

I know I should take better care of myself. If I ever have another PE again, or even DVT I'll be back on warfarin, this time for life. 

I just can't seem to get a grip. Seems like I'm scared, but maybe not scared enough.


So that's a little more about me.

It is however nice to be back.
Violet x 

1 comment:

  1. Woah, thanks for sharing that. I can't believe you went through all of that, it's beyond words.

    It sounds as though you need to be so careful with your dieting then hun...and you say you're worried about me?! Imagine being on warfarin for life. Not worth it!! I'm sure you've thought about all this safe xx