Shit shit SHIT!! So plans fell by the way side yesterday.
Traffic was dreadful coming home from work, I didn't get back until almost 7 by which time I've normally finished at the gym. So I didn't go. And my boyfriend had prepared dinner. Was so pissed off about my day to make excuses and he looked so lovely that I didn't want to turn it down. It was a fish cake and loads of veggies. I checked the number of calories - 250. So added to the fruit I had before I supposedly set out for the gym, it's about 350-400. Not a complete disaster but still beyond my control.
On a plus the scale said 128.2, so that's a bonus.
I bought a winter coat back in November which was intentionally a little too small. Well, I couldn't even do it up. Stupid considering the amount I paid for the bloody thing. All good intentions you see, to force me to lose weight. Well it didn't happen as fast as i'd like - but this morning I could do it up. Finally. Even though it's almost April and is about to get hung up for another year.
Typical.
Well, back to today. The plan is NO food, except a piece of fruit an hour before the gym, and nothing after that. I'll tell him I ate on the way home...
I feel quite guilty about all of this, but it's something I just have to do.
You understand that right?
Speak soon,
Violet x
Tuesday 30 March 2010
A quick update
So it's just before 5 and I'm about to leave work and head to the gym.
I didn't mention I run did I? Lots. Trouble is, I find going to the gym or running so bloody difficult if I feel hungry. I'm too competative and find that just slogging through makes me furious. Need to be faster and go further. But that requires energy - calories.
So far I've eaten nothing. Just water and a coke zero for lunch. But I've just grabbed an apple to try and combat the hungries in the gym. Fingers crossed it keeps me going!!!
Any one have any tips for that??
I'm starting an all out fast tomorrow. For the rest of the week. On the days I'm not running I'm having NO calories. Well, that's the idea. And then just fruit before a run.
I'm superwoman if I can actually stick to that, but that's the plan.
Until tomorrow,
violet x
I didn't mention I run did I? Lots. Trouble is, I find going to the gym or running so bloody difficult if I feel hungry. I'm too competative and find that just slogging through makes me furious. Need to be faster and go further. But that requires energy - calories.
So far I've eaten nothing. Just water and a coke zero for lunch. But I've just grabbed an apple to try and combat the hungries in the gym. Fingers crossed it keeps me going!!!
Any one have any tips for that??
I'm starting an all out fast tomorrow. For the rest of the week. On the days I'm not running I'm having NO calories. Well, that's the idea. And then just fruit before a run.
I'm superwoman if I can actually stick to that, but that's the plan.
Until tomorrow,
violet x
Contradictions and cycles
I woke up today feeling so completely different. Something has changed and now the wheels are in motion. I feel I am more connected to the hundreds and thousands of other girls (and boys I'm sure, yet I've failed to come across any of you yet...) out there who go through the same torment that I do each day.
But that's just it, isn't it? Is it really torment if I get a kick out of it? Is it really torture if it thrills me so much? The small victories that are celebrated and give me so much joy, which so quickly turn to horror and fear of what I've become.
It's all one big contradiction isn't it? That's the fundamental issue here. Everythings a cycle. I contradict my self each and everyday, and even my own opinions and theories on the subject can do a complete 180 from one day to the next. I look at a fat person eating a sandwich and it turns my stomach as I wonder how they can do that to their bodies. Then I'll snap, and find myself doing the same thing. Funny huh? No, it's gross. Sometimes I think that the key to success with this weight loss thing is just pure simple determination and control - just say no - to everything. But then, as a child of science I sometimes find myself saying how stupid it is to think that starving yourself is a good thing? Surely just eating a regular 1300-1400 cals per day with moderate exercise should see the pounds fly off at a healthy maintable rate...
But that's just not good enough is it? Something in my brain just won't listen. It's not quick enough, there's always something THIS wkend that I want to look good for, not in 6 months time. That progress is too slow. I need to look down at the scales each time and see the numbers drop. And fast. Life in the 21st century is fast, so my diet needs also to be.
Yesterday I started a sort of fast/restriction thing. Not too sure what you would label it as. Basically avoiding all foods unless I'm actually in pain. As I said yesterday it's increadably easy for me to avoid eating on weekdays in regards to other people... It's my own god damn self control that's the issue. Again with the cycles and contradiction. Somedays I have excellent self control, some days I have none and crave the very thing I want to avoid, leading to failure sometimes. Somedays it's completely different and I can't bare the thought of food. Actually can't face it and eating makes me sick. And even weirder is that somedays when that happens I love it - I feel I have achieved some higher state and feel proud. Sometimes I don't even notice that the thought of food hasn't even crossed my mind. And there are times it frightens me to the core, but in all fairness they are few and far between.
And when it comes to binging, or failing, call it what you will. That spews up a whole other set of contradictions. Sometimes it just is what it is, plain and simple. Sometimes it's a necessity to eat in front of people, so they don't guess, or so they think you're normal. Sometimes its in secret. It's like, I don't want people to know I have a "problem" with food, but I also don't want them to think I ACTUALY EAT... Like a NORMAL human... Ughhhh how GROSS!!
It's like going to the loo in front of all your friends. Eating, to me, is like that. Something gross and horrific which I like people to think I don't do, but secretly I have to... Yet i have to let them know I eat sometimes or else they'd think me a freak. It's all very confusing. And fascinating.
I want more than anything to break the binge-bust cycle. It's infuriating and can negate an entire days hard work. And it's always the bloody evenings. I just want to break that cycle.
This morning the scale read a disapionting 129.2lbs. Even that's weird... Being in the UK I used to always weigh in stones, so I'm 9 stone 3 pounds. Since coming across this community, most use the American convension of pounds only, so I've got used to that, and now that feels natural... Odd.
I want to weigh 115. My goals are in multiples of 5s, so yeah, 125, 120, then 115. It's only like 15lbs, that shouldn't be too hard... Even on a "normal" calorie controlled diet I would drop that in 2-3 months. But I'm hoping to weigh 125 as soon as possible. I'm going away next week so I don't how easy that will be. I'm going to stay with family and my boyf will be there the whole time. Plus it's pay day so he'll want to take me out. I'm not going to set a time target for 125 just yet, as I'll fail. I'll wait until I'm back home.
Oh yeah, I'm 5'7" (closer to 5'8" though I think) apparently each inch in height adds 4lbs to your weight when comparing yourself with someone of a different height. Useful when getting upset about the weight of skinny people who are so short. Someone who's 5'5" ican add about 10lbs onto their weight to make them eqivalent to me. Worth baring in mind...
Anyway works dull today so i'm sure I'll post again later.
Thanks also to lovely xellex who took the time to read this and comment - how lovely, I feel honored :)
Speak soon,
Violet x
But that's just it, isn't it? Is it really torment if I get a kick out of it? Is it really torture if it thrills me so much? The small victories that are celebrated and give me so much joy, which so quickly turn to horror and fear of what I've become.
It's all one big contradiction isn't it? That's the fundamental issue here. Everythings a cycle. I contradict my self each and everyday, and even my own opinions and theories on the subject can do a complete 180 from one day to the next. I look at a fat person eating a sandwich and it turns my stomach as I wonder how they can do that to their bodies. Then I'll snap, and find myself doing the same thing. Funny huh? No, it's gross. Sometimes I think that the key to success with this weight loss thing is just pure simple determination and control - just say no - to everything. But then, as a child of science I sometimes find myself saying how stupid it is to think that starving yourself is a good thing? Surely just eating a regular 1300-1400 cals per day with moderate exercise should see the pounds fly off at a healthy maintable rate...
But that's just not good enough is it? Something in my brain just won't listen. It's not quick enough, there's always something THIS wkend that I want to look good for, not in 6 months time. That progress is too slow. I need to look down at the scales each time and see the numbers drop. And fast. Life in the 21st century is fast, so my diet needs also to be.
Yesterday I started a sort of fast/restriction thing. Not too sure what you would label it as. Basically avoiding all foods unless I'm actually in pain. As I said yesterday it's increadably easy for me to avoid eating on weekdays in regards to other people... It's my own god damn self control that's the issue. Again with the cycles and contradiction. Somedays I have excellent self control, some days I have none and crave the very thing I want to avoid, leading to failure sometimes. Somedays it's completely different and I can't bare the thought of food. Actually can't face it and eating makes me sick. And even weirder is that somedays when that happens I love it - I feel I have achieved some higher state and feel proud. Sometimes I don't even notice that the thought of food hasn't even crossed my mind. And there are times it frightens me to the core, but in all fairness they are few and far between.
And when it comes to binging, or failing, call it what you will. That spews up a whole other set of contradictions. Sometimes it just is what it is, plain and simple. Sometimes it's a necessity to eat in front of people, so they don't guess, or so they think you're normal. Sometimes its in secret. It's like, I don't want people to know I have a "problem" with food, but I also don't want them to think I ACTUALY EAT... Like a NORMAL human... Ughhhh how GROSS!!
It's like going to the loo in front of all your friends. Eating, to me, is like that. Something gross and horrific which I like people to think I don't do, but secretly I have to... Yet i have to let them know I eat sometimes or else they'd think me a freak. It's all very confusing. And fascinating.
I want more than anything to break the binge-bust cycle. It's infuriating and can negate an entire days hard work. And it's always the bloody evenings. I just want to break that cycle.
This morning the scale read a disapionting 129.2lbs. Even that's weird... Being in the UK I used to always weigh in stones, so I'm 9 stone 3 pounds. Since coming across this community, most use the American convension of pounds only, so I've got used to that, and now that feels natural... Odd.
I want to weigh 115. My goals are in multiples of 5s, so yeah, 125, 120, then 115. It's only like 15lbs, that shouldn't be too hard... Even on a "normal" calorie controlled diet I would drop that in 2-3 months. But I'm hoping to weigh 125 as soon as possible. I'm going away next week so I don't how easy that will be. I'm going to stay with family and my boyf will be there the whole time. Plus it's pay day so he'll want to take me out. I'm not going to set a time target for 125 just yet, as I'll fail. I'll wait until I'm back home.
Oh yeah, I'm 5'7" (closer to 5'8" though I think) apparently each inch in height adds 4lbs to your weight when comparing yourself with someone of a different height. Useful when getting upset about the weight of skinny people who are so short. Someone who's 5'5" ican add about 10lbs onto their weight to make them eqivalent to me. Worth baring in mind...
Anyway works dull today so i'm sure I'll post again later.
Thanks also to lovely xellex who took the time to read this and comment - how lovely, I feel honored :)
Speak soon,
Violet x
Monday 29 March 2010
Violet under the microscope
Hi again, why am I back so soon? I just couldn't keep away
So who am I?
Wow, now there's a question. How can you possibly sum up an entire persons existance in this tiny white box?
First things first - I'm not troubled. I'm not confused, or depressed or misunderstood. I know exactly who I am. That doesn't mean to say that lifes been easy for me, quite the contrary if truth be told. But I'm not here to vent about all that's been and gone. I'm sure references will crop up from time to time as and when they rear their ugly heads. But for now and today, I am content.
I think I'm a couple of years older than a lot of the other girls on here whos blogs I've read. I'm 23. I work full time and live with my lovely boyfriend and our cat.
My place of work is great in that I have my own office, which makes being a border line crazy person when it comes to food a lot easier. I'm quite unhappy In my job (who isn't?) but it's very convenient for that reason alone. When my friends knock on at 12.15 with the inevitable "are u coming to lunch?" I can say any of a huge line of excuses such as: "I've got a lot on, I'll prob just grab a bite later" or, I'll go down with them, as I like the social aspect of joining them (tho HATE watching fat people eat) and say "well I brought pack up and got so hungry I already ate it". No one has noticed a thing. I also smoke, so most days I'll pop to the shop and tell them I got something there. I'm very active too and do a few sporty things during lunch times, therefore avoiding the canteen.
Since as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with food. Well ever since there was an awareness of "thin" or "beautiful". The majority of our eating habits come from our parents, and they become engrained in our own way of life and are so difficult to shake off or become separate from. Both my parents are "large". I've never actually been very large, ignoring the body dismorphia which tells me I'm an elephant, but nor have I ever been anything resembling thin. Like I've said already... Average. But my parents are. My mums a habitual snacker, every evening it's crisps and chocolates and pastries. I used to be the same, I've not lived with her for about.... Ooo 5 years or so, but that desire to stuff my face in the evenings has never left me. It terrifies me. I actually fear food, and can visualise tiny Mars bars swimming through my arms and thighs. It's chilling!!
So, my eating habbits: the whens and the hows. This is by definition how we define ourselves. Our lives, our goals, our successes and failings. so you must be curious. As far as evenings go, they're easy. My boyf is like a twiglet and rarely eats much in the evenings, so i can get away with eating no dinner about two nights a week when he's around, and there's always at least one night that one of us works late. I try not to push it too much so try and makesure whenever I do eat that he's around to see it. It's always something small though. He leaves the house before me in the mornings so breakfast is not a problem. Weekends however are a nightmare. And social occasions. We're very close and do everything together making it impossible for me to skip meals during weekends.
Ok, so I'm talking too much, I just have so much that I want to say I could scream and let it all just spill out. Years and years of hiding away and acting normal, and now finally I am talking.
I'll be back again tomorrow, I can't wait.
Violet x
So who am I?
Wow, now there's a question. How can you possibly sum up an entire persons existance in this tiny white box?
First things first - I'm not troubled. I'm not confused, or depressed or misunderstood. I know exactly who I am. That doesn't mean to say that lifes been easy for me, quite the contrary if truth be told. But I'm not here to vent about all that's been and gone. I'm sure references will crop up from time to time as and when they rear their ugly heads. But for now and today, I am content.
I think I'm a couple of years older than a lot of the other girls on here whos blogs I've read. I'm 23. I work full time and live with my lovely boyfriend and our cat.
My place of work is great in that I have my own office, which makes being a border line crazy person when it comes to food a lot easier. I'm quite unhappy In my job (who isn't?) but it's very convenient for that reason alone. When my friends knock on at 12.15 with the inevitable "are u coming to lunch?" I can say any of a huge line of excuses such as: "I've got a lot on, I'll prob just grab a bite later" or, I'll go down with them, as I like the social aspect of joining them (tho HATE watching fat people eat) and say "well I brought pack up and got so hungry I already ate it". No one has noticed a thing. I also smoke, so most days I'll pop to the shop and tell them I got something there. I'm very active too and do a few sporty things during lunch times, therefore avoiding the canteen.
Since as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with food. Well ever since there was an awareness of "thin" or "beautiful". The majority of our eating habits come from our parents, and they become engrained in our own way of life and are so difficult to shake off or become separate from. Both my parents are "large". I've never actually been very large, ignoring the body dismorphia which tells me I'm an elephant, but nor have I ever been anything resembling thin. Like I've said already... Average. But my parents are. My mums a habitual snacker, every evening it's crisps and chocolates and pastries. I used to be the same, I've not lived with her for about.... Ooo 5 years or so, but that desire to stuff my face in the evenings has never left me. It terrifies me. I actually fear food, and can visualise tiny Mars bars swimming through my arms and thighs. It's chilling!!
So, my eating habbits: the whens and the hows. This is by definition how we define ourselves. Our lives, our goals, our successes and failings. so you must be curious. As far as evenings go, they're easy. My boyf is like a twiglet and rarely eats much in the evenings, so i can get away with eating no dinner about two nights a week when he's around, and there's always at least one night that one of us works late. I try not to push it too much so try and makesure whenever I do eat that he's around to see it. It's always something small though. He leaves the house before me in the mornings so breakfast is not a problem. Weekends however are a nightmare. And social occasions. We're very close and do everything together making it impossible for me to skip meals during weekends.
Ok, so I'm talking too much, I just have so much that I want to say I could scream and let it all just spill out. Years and years of hiding away and acting normal, and now finally I am talking.
I'll be back again tomorrow, I can't wait.
Violet x
Well that was easier than I thought...!
Oh... And so here I am... I don't know what I was afraid of. I thought this would be difficult, but it was actually really simple. Maybe it was my lack of computer skills that have held me back from joining for so long... Maybe it was something else. But whatever it was, it's gone. I'm here. Making the first step towards actually having a real life conversation with someone about this stuff for the very first time in my life. Yikes!
Like I said in my "about me" section... I'm not special or unique... I have come here for very similar reasons as most of you. It's strange, as like I've said already that some peoples blogs I've been following for a long time (over a year now...) so I guess it's a bit daunting coming on here with my own voice. It was always just one sided before. I would just read, and by not interacting I was safe, protected, distanced and not vulnerable. But now what? What if the very same people that I feel like I know reject me? God I don't know. It's dumb.
So, that's why I'm here.
I picked the name Shrinking Violet as I thought it sums me up quite well. Obviously there's the blatent nod towards loosing weight and getting thinner. But also as it's kind of who I am. The plane jane. The wall flower. The shy girl... Well that's not strictly true. You guys will get to know me as and when, and as my blog grows in the way I hope it will. But for now, I am here. I feel as thought I've climbed a mountain.
But I have arrived.
That is all for now,
Violet x
Like I said in my "about me" section... I'm not special or unique... I have come here for very similar reasons as most of you. It's strange, as like I've said already that some peoples blogs I've been following for a long time (over a year now...) so I guess it's a bit daunting coming on here with my own voice. It was always just one sided before. I would just read, and by not interacting I was safe, protected, distanced and not vulnerable. But now what? What if the very same people that I feel like I know reject me? God I don't know. It's dumb.
So, that's why I'm here.
I picked the name Shrinking Violet as I thought it sums me up quite well. Obviously there's the blatent nod towards loosing weight and getting thinner. But also as it's kind of who I am. The plane jane. The wall flower. The shy girl... Well that's not strictly true. You guys will get to know me as and when, and as my blog grows in the way I hope it will. But for now, I am here. I feel as thought I've climbed a mountain.
But I have arrived.
That is all for now,
Violet x
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