Thursday, 20 May 2010

Award Thingy

oh yeah - elle gave me this award, how sweet, I wasn't quite sure what it was but I figure it's a kind of chain thing that you pass on to 5 others.

I'm not after world domination with this blogs, or after loads of followers. I think I have 13 but that's cool, less of headache for me and my hectic life only having a few to keep up with. have a small few of you who I speak/comment with more than just sporadically, so I suppose yeah, if I pass it on it can only go to go you: elle, Charlie and Cinderella.

you girls are great :) I don't know how to link I'm afraid though.... or to post a picture :( lame.

I think I have to write 10 things about me that no one here knows. hmmm that's tricky. I'll try to put possitive ones down too...

1) I'm a singer/song writer guitarist type. Manchester has a brilliant music scene, and yeah a typical night out wouldbe going to watch a band. it's yet another part of me that died when I moved south. I've not sung live to a crowd since I moved here. the little folksie songstrel image no longer fits with the way I now live. I'd feel like a fraud. my boyfriend, bless him, bought mr another guitar for my birthday last year in the hope I would play more. (I now have 4 guitars!!) I play at home, only a couple of times a week. I sing and write songs for just me and him. and I quite like that, it's our secret. he says the sweetest things and that I have the most lovely voice he's ever heard..... vom! but cute. I think he genuinely means it too and believes it to be true. sometimes he cries when I play... ha! god he'd kill me for telling anyone that!!

2) my mum has multiple sclerosis. it's a central nervous system disorder that wears away the insulation around the nerves leaving them useless. she's had it since I was about 8 years old. it used to be really bad when I was younger but then went quiet for a while. there are different types - she used to have relapse/remittance, which basically means it comes and goes, and although each episode can be very bad you can recover from them. one day she'd wake up unable to move her leg for example, then a week later it would improve (or not in the case of her hand) 

she hasn't had a formal MS 'attack' for years though, we thought she was getting better. but the past 18 months or so it has progressed into a different form - now it's classed as progressive. so basically the attacks are less intense and less isolated, but more of a slow constant stream of deterioration that you don't improve from.

it's tough. and it took me a long time to be understanding. she has a terrible memory and it used to infuriate me! I'd talk about my best friend and she'd ask "who's that?" and I'd snap. she'd tell me the same thing on the phone all the time, and I'd snap. her husband's the same - gets frustrated. but appart from when I got sick and lived with her for almost a year to recover, I'd not lived with her for about 8 years. I'd not spent more than a few days in her company. so I didn't notice things. I missed the details that are hidden on visits of just a few days. 

in October I took her on a holiday with my bonus from work. we went to Spain for a week, just me and her. I was aware that she was getting worse and wouldn't be able to walk for much longer so wanted to give her one last nice girlie mother and daughter trip together. she's done so much for me (obviously - she's my mum - it's what they do. but what she's done for me goes way beyond the normal realms). it was a very VERY difficult week. it was like looking after a toddler, but harder. i had no idea how bad things had got for her. not phisically, I was aware of that, but I mean her thought process and logic and reasoning - it's just terrible. she's incapable of making the simplest decisions and being able to see what consequences will result from them. but then she gets angree when decisions are made for her.

we were walking down the street together and there was a bench in front of us. I walked to the right as she went left. she got upset and distressed that we were separated and started to shake and almost cry. she couldn't see that in about 2 seconds we would be walking side by side again.

it's terribly sad. and I don't know if she's aware of what's happening inside her head or if she's oblivious. which is worse?

since then she's now unable to leave the village she lives in (according to her husband) as it's "too hard" for him to deal with that and the day out just gets ruined. she's trapped. no one will take her for a day out, even into town. she got £100 clothes vouchers for Christmas from her work (one hour a day answering the phone in the estate agent on her road) but no one will take her to spend them. it breaks my heart.


since February she can now longer use her legs properly. she can't walk for more than a couple of minutes and has a wheel chair. she doesn't seem to mind it though.

god she has the most amazing inner strength of anyone I know. she has had the toughest life I know of. it saddens be to the core and makes my heart bleed to think of the things she has faced. abused in the most horrific way by her step father as a child, she buried her first two babies due to cot death and spina-bifda (sorry, can't spell) then gets this awful illness herself. then her husband (my dad) left her when I was 17 (I'll come to that later...) without warning. just upped and left one day after almost 30 years of marriage. then I almost died on her at the age of 21. 

but she is so possitive. never sweats the big stuff. she's been a great role model and I strive to be more like her everyday. always laughing and smiling. 


Shit. I wasn't intending on rambling for this long. guess I don't really get chance to splurt it all out like this to my friends. it comes out in drip drip drips. a bit at a time. I feel quite sad writing this post actually. well I have no space for the other 5 things about myself, so maybe I'll write one each day for a week? gives me chance to think of something more uplifting.

Well, I should be working. the scientist from NASA is arriving this afternoon to work in my office, best tidy up and put all my empty coke zeros in the recycling....

a sad and thoughtful Vi x x

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

The 3 day British Heart Foundation diet


argh so I've not posted in a while - sorry. I slipped up one day and so didn't post. then I saw I had ovet 20 unread blogs and thought I can't possibly read all of those now, then the next day it got worse and I ate more as a result... downward spiral.

plus I feel like I have nothing interesting to write down anyway - so why bother? I'm sorry ive not replied to msgs - I'll get on that right after this.

so my 15 daychallenge was a fail. I don't even know what day I'm on but it's prob about 13 or summat.

I'd stopped looking at the scale. it said 125.8 this morning. to be fair I thought it was more. so I'm gunna start over. but I'm gunna have a go at doing it.... the healthy way?? I think. well, I'm gunna do this 3 day detox which I found online to quick start my diet. it looks quite typical, all fresh fruit veg and natural stuff as expected. 

my brother (who got a bit chunky since he hit 30) and his girlfriend have been doing the British Heart Foundation diet. it again is 3 days long, and can be done once each week. it's based on food combining and the chemical reactions that are triggered from combining particular foods together. its claimed youll loose up to 10 pounds in the 3 days if followed EXACTLY to the letter. the diet it's self has come under scrutiny though as some of the foods in it are a little odd - ice cream, hot dogs... and I must point out, I had a look at the BHF website and they deny any endorsement or link with this diet, so I don't know where it's name came from. 

but get this.... my brother lost 9 pounds!! in 3 days! but yeah, he's a chunk and has never dieted and plays lots of sport so metabolism's quite high. but his girlfriend - who's much slimmer than me lost 7 pounds!!!! not sure what happened to those pounds after she finished the diet. I'm sure it's just water weight and is not maintainable. it is what it is - a fad diet. and I'm sure the weight goes straight back on.... but still... I'm gunna give it a go!!!

my bro and his girlf are doing it for the second time - tues, weds, and thuurs. they've been updating on facebook and it's catching on, all their friends are jumping on the band wagon and commenting about it loads. 

so, 3 day detox (raw, natural stuff, will post details later maybe) then 3 day British Heart Foundation diet.

starting tomorrow...
Vi x 

Monday, 10 May 2010

The quest for 120... Day 6

124.0. Ughhh!! Bloody weekends! Taking your eye off the ball even slightly over the weekend can negate all the hard work you put in over the preceeding week. I'm on day 6 and so only have a net loss of 1lb... Needed to lose 1lb per three days to be on track and lose the 5lb in the fifteen days of this challenge. I'm not going to alter the goal posts though - hopefully it's just a blip and will go back down tomorrow. I've forced myself to go without today. I've had two cups of tea and an apple throughout the day, and sushi for dinner. I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill. Well, I say ran, more like a slow crawl.

I was massively bored at work today, so I made a graph of my weight since I started blogging... Hee hee!! I may post it on here if I figure that out. Maybe just for this 15 day challenge. Will be insightful to look at where problem days occur and good days and look for patterns. (ever the mathematician in me!!)

Stats for the day
Weight: 124.0 
Food: as above... About 600 cals
Exercise: slow and painful 2 mile jog...

Sunday, 9 May 2010

The quest for 120... Day 5

123.8, I'm not surprised. Really sleepy so I won't stick around long...

Night night...
Vi x

The quest for 120... Day 4

This post is for yesterday.

122.8 How on earth did it drop??? No idea that's crazy. I got cocky though - ate lots and it's definitely going to go up again. 

Had a really good day actually. I've been feeling a little lost lately. Well, it's not as dramatic as it sounds trust me!! It's just, well most of my life I'd lived in the north. Leeds, sheffield, and most recent manchester. And I dunno I don't believe in the north south divide but I did and still do sometimes feel a little out of place and miss home. My friends and social group when I lived in Manchester were all sort of girls like me who don't just live for work, who wear makeup, who care about what clothes they wear and what their hair's like. I guess you could say I knocked about with the in crowd. We were the girls in the night clubs, at the parties and who seemed to be on the website's photo page with the most views.

But I was clever too. I got good grades on my course, did a masters and now do a very technical sciency job. I moved to the south for my job as it was a great opportunity, and I don't regret it for one second. I'd never been to the town I now live in before and moved in to a random house share three days before starting my job. I met my now boyfriend after having moved in just three hours before, and he offered to be my tour guide... The rest you say, is history.

My friends at work, suffice to say, are not the it crowd. They discuss issues and concepts that I don't fully understand, and just have that kind of nerdy geeky social awkwardness about them. In meetings at work I'm sometimes made to feel dumb and unimportant just because I look as though I might be. Most are from very different back grounds to me and sometimes I guess it's just weird. I have made friends, and they're lovely, they're just very different to old friends. I find myself trying too hard - my blend of Yorkshire/Lancashire accent has faded and the social events I now attend are a world away from my old life. My mum thinks that I've made it, and have changed my life from what it was destined to be and is eternally grateful and proud of me for that. I come from a very poor background and my family were miners. We had nothing. I got the grades to go to uni, and got a grant due to my family income. I still left uni with more than 30 grand debt, but I was determined to change my life. My mum is chuffed to bits for me.

But somedays I wake up and think "what the fuck am I doing? This isn't me?" my boyf is quite middle class and talks posh. He listens to radio 4 and reads the gaurdian, and we host dinner parties where we dress up nicely and our guests bring us flowers and kiss us each cheek. We've been invited to watch a polo game in June. I'm in a different world and have lost a part of myself that I didn't want to loose.

Today though, I went shopping with a girl from work who is only a couple of years older than me. She started a few months ago, and she's just loads of fun.  She reminds me of who I used to be. She's loud, outspoken, drinks and smokes lots, wears makeup and even high heals to work. We clicked straight away and even my boyfriend jokes that I have a girl crush on her. 

I tried a dress on and she said I was tiny and looked like a little doll... Not quite but it felt nice. We went off to the pub at around 4pm, then just stayed out all evening until 2am.  (hence writing this up midday on sunday) It was so much fun, she brings out a side to me that is so comforting. Don't get me wrong, I love my new life. I love my boyfriend and the friends Ive made. I love the oportunity my job gives me. It's just all so different, and not something my boyfriend or anyone else willl ever comprehend.

States for the day
Weight: 122.8
Food: I've not even spoke about food today. It wasn't important - I was enjoying myself. I ate lots. I drank. I laughed. I lived. Sunday morning the scales had jumped back up, but that's for day 5's post...
Total cals: 1300 ish. Not including booze.
Exercise: dancing :)

Vi x x

Saturday, 8 May 2010

Change of a name

hi... Shrinking Violet here...

Ok ok ok so I don't know if this is against the rules or something, but basically the name I'd picked, shrinking violet, was already taken by someone else when I joined. Some people following me are also following her and it's just way confusing. So I changed it. It's still me though :) Blogging from Skinny Genes rather than Shrinking Violet. I also changed violet to vicky.

Vi x

Friday, 7 May 2010

Quest for 120... Day 3.

Before I write anything I have a slight edit on yesterdays intake... :( had a bit of chocolate last night during the election. Not too much, a few bits, maybe 100 cals. And two glasses of wine...

123.6 today - yayyyyyy!!! Loving the rapid progress so far. But that normally happens in the first few days. Got the weekend coming up which is always difficult and usually results in a gain this early on in the fasting process. So I'm sure it's gunna plateau out and be difficult to lose any more.

I had a 'dear diary' moment this morning which made me chuffed to bits! I was sat on the sofa at home, kinda balancing on the edge with my legs pointed sideways if you get me. I was trying to roll a cigarette on my lap when the filter rolled off the paper and onto my legs. I quickly squeezed my thighs together to stop it falling on the floor, but it fell straight through the gap... I had a smile on my face ear to ear as I sat and squeezed as hard as I could and still my thighs would not touch. So yeah my legs weren't splatted out againgst the sofa or anything, but still, this is a great little boost. 3.6 pounds to go until I can eat again. It seems like such a small amount, but I know it's not. I know it's gunna be tough.

By the time I got to work I felt absolutely starving. My stomach was actually hurting. I drank loads of water, and an orange cordial, and a cup of tea, but it was no use. I didn't feel dizzy or anything just sooo so hungry!!! They do 'fry up fridays' at work, and so I'd resigned myself to getting 1 piece of toast. I could take that hit surely? Well... I went to stand in the queue and the bloody toaster was broken. Argh!!! Somehow somewhere my little ana angel rescued me from the toast and also stopped me getting some fried shit instead. I kept thinking back to the moment on the sofa, stayed strong and reached for a fruit bowl. Grapes, melon, strawbs and pineapple. Though when I sat down with it, most of it was rotting or tinned fruit. Yuck! Left most of it, and still felt hungry. I hate days like this, when the hunger is so bad it hurts. it's so disheartening but I'm not gunna hate myself for eating, or get too down about it: I had half a tuna steak for lunch with some veggies. Still felt starving when I got home, with the knowledge that I had to try and survive a dinner party later that evening...

my plan was to only eat until I was no longer hungry, but as I have massive "finish your plate syndrome" I ate everything and felt really full!   

Gotta keep moving forward and just hope tomorrow will be easier. And anyway, as long as the numbers keep going down that's all that matters right now.

I have written down somewhere in an old diet log book thing what all my measurement were back in January. All the usual waist, hips, bust, thigh, arm, bmi, weight, weight of body fat, body fat percentage. I'll dig it out, and also post my current stats. Or maybe I should wait until I'm at 120? I'm not sure. What do you think? If it's a big difference it will really spur me on, but if it's not then... Eek! I can't remember what I weighed in jan. Maybe 135, 137? Need to dig out that book!!!

Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend in town to go shopping - hope she'll have eaten before I meet her at half one and isn't planning on going for lunch...

Stats for the day
Weight: 123.6
Calorie intake: fruit salad, half tuna steak, veggies, cheese, salad, bits and bobs like potato wedges and mushrooms, vienetta ice cream (ha! How northern and working class!)
Total cals: hmm... Guess here... 1200??!?! Eek!
Exercise: big fat nothing. 

Will not be surprised with a gain tomorrow!!

Violet x x 

Thursday, 6 May 2010

The quest for 120... Day 2.

It's gunna be q bit more of a challenge this time round. You remember I said I have my own office at work? This is great for excuses about not having lunch for all the obvious reasons. There's also a visitors desk in my room which is used like once every three or four weeks depending on when our team gets a visitor (most people have two person offices, there's an odd number on my team and I got lucky - but have to have the spare hot desk in with me). 

So the guy who came to visit yesterday is coming back soon... For THREE MONTHS!!!!! Oh my god!!! I've got so used to not sharing my room. And he's gunna notice me skipping lunch. What to do....?!?! He's a visiting scientist from America who I've been collaborating with for the past 6 months or so. Shame my work didn't send me there for three months instead... Gutted!

Argh I smoked way too much yesterday. God knows why, I wasn't drinking or anything. I've started smoking roll ups during the week now (gross, I know) cos they're about a quarter of the price!! Then I buy a real pack for the weekend. But yesterday, ugh I smoked loads and my throat was killing me this morning.

So, 124.8 on the scales this morning. We're getting somewhere! Did quite well with food today also. On Thursdays I host a little running club at work during lunch. It's loads of fun, just with my friends and even though it's short distance and quite slow I really enjoy doing that. There's only about 6 of us most weeks. But there's a big conference in Vienna this week that all my social group have gone to, so I went out on my own enabling me to do a 5 miler. Argh i wish I'd gone to the conference!! Had nothing interesting to present right now so maybe next time.

Ooo it's general election day today - I just got back from the polling station about an hour ago. Gunna try and stay up and watch the results come in, though I'll prob fall asleep really early!!! Very exciting though!!

Stats for the day:
Weight: 124.8
Food: apple, banana, 3 bites of a cheese salad butty, left over stir fry from last night
Total cals: 600?
Exercise: 5 mile jog

Tarah for now,
Violet x

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

The quest for 120... Day one.

The past few weeks the scales and I have been getting on quite well. They've generally stayed around the 125 mark. Give or take the daily fluctuations and odd ups and downs here and there. When I started this blog I outlined my fool proof 'weight loss plan' and this has really worked for me. To re-itterate the plan is to loose weight in five pound chunks, by whatever drastic and fast means necessary. i.e. to starve myself. then try and stick at that weight for a few weeks at least before trying to loose more weight. This may seem tedious and very frustrating as I know we all wanna loose weight, and fast!! But this technique really works for me in so many ways. Here's a few reasons why, just to remind myself during those difficult times when the temptation is there to try and loose more rather than maintaining.

1). It trains your body into having a new "stable weight." sort of like re-booting the system. Our bodies seem to have a particular stable weight that it feels comfortable at, and will try to get back to if that makes sense. So if my stable weight is 125, and then I slip up or binge, generally it will drop back off as my body is comfortable at 125. Equally if I try and starve myself and loose weight rapidly for a day or two, then have a slip up, the scales will quickly jump back up. So it's a sort of damage control having a new, lower, stablised weight.

2). It gives the body time to recover. All those vitamins and minerals that my body was missing and crying out for can get replenished.

3) it keeps people off your back! All those people who were starting to catch on, or getting fed up of me never wanting to socialise in times of going out for meals or whatever are silenced.

4) it give me chance to focus on my running. Running long distance is a big hobby of mine, and it requires a lot of fuel. Ugh. My performance really suffers when I don't eat, so it's a chance to hit the training hard when I can give my body the right energy.

5) it gives my metabolism a boost. So when the next dieting phase begins the pounds fly off in the first few days, just like starting any diet from scratch does.

6) maintain focus. It kinda gives me a new motivation for when the next cycle starts up again. By the end of two or three weeks of maintaining, I'm raring to go and chomping at the bit so to speak to get back to fasting and restricting. It makes me really excited about the next target!

7) it makes it more managable, breaking it down in to bite sizes chunks. Ooo I'm full of the food related puns today!! Therefore keeping my motivation up as I know it's not forever. I'm also less likely to binge if it's just for a week or two and not perminant.

8) I'm less likely to slip up if I know it's only for a finite amount of time. When you're counting down the days like that instead of just endlessly plodding along you know there's an end in sight so is far more acheivable.

I started this plan of mine when I was in the mid-high 140s, with 140 as my first goal weight. (I was around 130 when I started this blog though) Then 135, 130, and now I'm at 125, tomorrow is the start of:

The Quest For 120.... 

Yayyyyyy!!! I'm really REALLY excited about it!! I'm not sure how long it will take to get to 120. 10 days? Two weeks maybe?? Who knows... But here it goes!!! I'm gunna set a target here, of 15 days to loose the weight. That's not to say I won't do it quicker or slower, I genuinely have no idea, but it's just to have a timescale and a date to focus on. That means by May 20th I want to weigh 120. 1lb in every three days. Should be fine. And in the first week it should happen quite quickly. Once I'm at 120 I'm gunna force myself to try and stay there for a whole month. Until at least June 20th (provided I hit 120 by may 20th!) I MUST DO THIS PART!!!! 115 is my ultimate goal, and so that final stage is more important than any other. It's a marathon, not a sprint, and I MUST remember that. It's too important to fuck up and risk failure and becoming fat again. 

So the plan is to eat as little as possible each day until the scale says 120. Then there's the exit strategy - re-introducing food gradually each day over the course of a week or two, until I can maintain that weight for a decent period of time. 

I can't wait to weigh 120. According to various charts I've found online, 120 is the last number in the "healthy weight range" for my height. I can't wait to not see that word any more!!!

 I want a body that matches my face. I'm sick of these girls who are really not that attractive, but just appear to be beacuse they're so skinny. Not that I'm gorgeous or anything. But It's not fair. Ugh!! It's like they're being let off the fact that they're ugly because they have the discipline (or natural ability?) to be thin. Not fair...!

I'll be updating every single night before i go to bed with how I've got on, what I weigh each morning, and what I had to eat that day. I use my iPhone to blog, so I'll save up my thoughts, progress, etc in the note pad during the day then post at the last minute before I go to sleep, so no chance of slip up!!!

Stats for the day
Weight: 125.6 
What I ate: salad for lunch. Had to. Work meeting and there's a visitor who's set up camp in my office this week, had to take him along. Stir fry veg for tea. Not all bad I guess. All things beyond my control.
Total cals: ummm, I'm guessing about 600? Surely not more than that...?
Exercise: ...none!

Night night,
Violet x x

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

No wedding bells... Still...

Good morning

Eeek! I'm back at work today after four days off. I'm really not enjoying my job at the moment, it's just too hard. Id love to work for myself - start my own company or cafe or something. 

I can't believe how much food I ate this weekend I just couldn't stop myself. Not just the wedding but Sunday too. It was like I was in some sort of trance and nothing would pull me out of it. My weight has still remained at or close to 125 - I've been trying to hold it there for a few weeks now before loosing any more weight.

Weddings have such a strange effect on me. It's like I turn into psycho girlfriend or something. (only in my head though - i try to reign in the crazy around my boyfriend!) but it's like...

When are you going to ask me to marry you?!

 I know I'm young, but we've been together so long and are so sure about each other. We've spoken about it and so I know that getting married is where we both wanna be at at some point. I guess I'm just in more of a rush than him. It's just so important to me to get married, I feel like things will only be right once we are. A lot of our friends are married or engaged. When will it be my turn?! :( I take it so personally when he doesn't ask me though. Like if we go somelacw nice or for a nice walk, I work myself up about it so much and keep convincing myself "tonight could be the night" but it never is. Why am I so goddamned obsessed with this?!?! I just feel like somethings missing. I wish he would hurry up and ask me. Soon!!! It's got to be sometime this year, surely. Ands it's another motivation for my diet too. I can never talk to him about this, or ask him myself. Being proposed to is such an amazing experience, and I wouldn't want to miss that for the world. I'm such a traditionalist - he has to ask me. Unprompted.

Ughh can someone please shake me?!?!

Sunday, 2 May 2010




Bank holiday weekend

Yayyy love bank holiday!

Shame the weathers been so shite though. I've had a fab weekend so far, two very good friends of mine got married yesterday, how lovely. But, of course, there was loads of food there. As in breakfast, lunch, and three course dinner (it wasn't a traditional English wedding) so there's no way I could have got away with not eating. So I took one for the team and ate.


I'm finding it very frustrating not being able to truely divulge any specific details about who I am. It's fucking annoying. This is meant to be a place where I can be myself and be honest, yet I'm constantly terrified that I'll get busted. And not just big things. Take for example my job. I can't even say what I do as a job, as there's only one company in the country that emplys people to do it - so it would give the game up leaving me traceable. But it's small things too- for example like I wanna say "sorry my gramma is sometimes terrible, but I'm posting from my iPhone" as I think shit, you'll know I have an iPhone, what if that's a clue to my identity... Tut. Everyone has an iPhone. I need to get a grip. I'm scared to write exactly what I ate, in case someone from my circle of friends is here and thinks "hmm, VIOLET had that same dinner last night, what if it's her..."

chill out girl!! There's over 6 billion people in the world!! No ones gunna bust you!!


I should pull myself together.

If the weathers not too bad tomorrow me and my boyfriend are gunna take a trip to ~Non Specified Pretty Historic Town~ not too far from where we live. Should be nice.


god I still feel full from yesterday. Thankfully we both got so hammered that hang over has rendered him unable to eat anything all day too, so I'm off the hook... Safe for another day!

Violet x x