Monday, 29 March 2010

Violet under the microscope

Hi again, why am I back so soon? I just couldn't keep away

So who am I?

Wow, now there's a question. How can you possibly sum up an entire persons existance in this tiny white box?

First things first - I'm not troubled. I'm not confused, or depressed or misunderstood. I know exactly who I am. That doesn't mean to say that lifes been easy for me, quite the contrary if truth be told. But I'm not here to vent about all that's been and gone. I'm sure references will crop up from time to time as and when they rear their ugly heads. But for now and today, I am content.

I think I'm a couple of years older than a lot of the other girls on here whos blogs I've read. I'm 23. I work full time and live with my lovely boyfriend and our cat. 

My place of work is great in that I have my own office, which makes being a border line crazy person when it comes to food a lot easier. I'm quite unhappy In my job (who isn't?) but it's very convenient for that reason alone. When my friends knock on at 12.15 with the inevitable "are u coming to lunch?" I can say any of a huge line of excuses such as: "I've got a lot on, I'll prob just grab a bite later" or, I'll go down with them, as I like the social aspect of joining them (tho HATE watching fat people eat) and say "well I brought pack up and got so hungry I already ate it". No one has noticed a thing. I also smoke, so most days I'll pop to the shop and tell them I got something there. I'm very active too and do a few sporty things during lunch times, therefore avoiding the canteen.

Since as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with food. Well ever since there was an awareness of "thin" or "beautiful". The majority of our eating habits come from our parents, and they become engrained in our own way of life and are so difficult to shake off or become separate from. Both my parents are "large". I've never actually been very large, ignoring the body dismorphia which tells me I'm an elephant, but nor have I ever been anything resembling thin. Like I've said already... Average. But my parents are. My mums a habitual snacker, every evening it's crisps and chocolates and pastries. I used to be the same, I've not lived with her for about.... Ooo 5 years or so, but that desire to stuff my face in the evenings has never left me. It terrifies me. I actually fear food, and can visualise tiny Mars bars swimming through my arms and thighs. It's chilling!!

So, my eating habbits: the whens and the hows. This is by definition how we define ourselves. Our lives, our goals, our successes and failings. so you must be curious. As far as evenings go, they're easy. My boyf is like a twiglet and rarely eats much in the evenings, so i can get away with eating no dinner about two nights a week when he's around, and there's always at least one night that one of us works late. I try not to push it too much so try and makesure whenever I do eat that he's around to see it. It's always something small though. He leaves the house before me in the mornings so breakfast is not a problem. Weekends however are a nightmare. And social occasions. We're very close and do everything together making it impossible for me to skip meals during weekends.

Ok, so I'm talking too much, I just have so much that I want to say I could scream and let it all just spill out. Years and years of hiding away and acting normal, and now finally I am talking. 

I'll be back again tomorrow, I can't wait.

Violet x


1 comment:

  1. Hi Violet, I feel so special being the first to comment on your blog. Looking forward to hearing more about you, and your thoughts. I'm already intrigued

    Elle x