Thursday, 20 May 2010

Award Thingy

oh yeah - elle gave me this award, how sweet, I wasn't quite sure what it was but I figure it's a kind of chain thing that you pass on to 5 others.

I'm not after world domination with this blogs, or after loads of followers. I think I have 13 but that's cool, less of headache for me and my hectic life only having a few to keep up with. have a small few of you who I speak/comment with more than just sporadically, so I suppose yeah, if I pass it on it can only go to go you: elle, Charlie and Cinderella.

you girls are great :) I don't know how to link I'm afraid though.... or to post a picture :( lame.

I think I have to write 10 things about me that no one here knows. hmmm that's tricky. I'll try to put possitive ones down too...

1) I'm a singer/song writer guitarist type. Manchester has a brilliant music scene, and yeah a typical night out wouldbe going to watch a band. it's yet another part of me that died when I moved south. I've not sung live to a crowd since I moved here. the little folksie songstrel image no longer fits with the way I now live. I'd feel like a fraud. my boyfriend, bless him, bought mr another guitar for my birthday last year in the hope I would play more. (I now have 4 guitars!!) I play at home, only a couple of times a week. I sing and write songs for just me and him. and I quite like that, it's our secret. he says the sweetest things and that I have the most lovely voice he's ever heard..... vom! but cute. I think he genuinely means it too and believes it to be true. sometimes he cries when I play... ha! god he'd kill me for telling anyone that!!

2) my mum has multiple sclerosis. it's a central nervous system disorder that wears away the insulation around the nerves leaving them useless. she's had it since I was about 8 years old. it used to be really bad when I was younger but then went quiet for a while. there are different types - she used to have relapse/remittance, which basically means it comes and goes, and although each episode can be very bad you can recover from them. one day she'd wake up unable to move her leg for example, then a week later it would improve (or not in the case of her hand) 

she hasn't had a formal MS 'attack' for years though, we thought she was getting better. but the past 18 months or so it has progressed into a different form - now it's classed as progressive. so basically the attacks are less intense and less isolated, but more of a slow constant stream of deterioration that you don't improve from.

it's tough. and it took me a long time to be understanding. she has a terrible memory and it used to infuriate me! I'd talk about my best friend and she'd ask "who's that?" and I'd snap. she'd tell me the same thing on the phone all the time, and I'd snap. her husband's the same - gets frustrated. but appart from when I got sick and lived with her for almost a year to recover, I'd not lived with her for about 8 years. I'd not spent more than a few days in her company. so I didn't notice things. I missed the details that are hidden on visits of just a few days. 

in October I took her on a holiday with my bonus from work. we went to Spain for a week, just me and her. I was aware that she was getting worse and wouldn't be able to walk for much longer so wanted to give her one last nice girlie mother and daughter trip together. she's done so much for me (obviously - she's my mum - it's what they do. but what she's done for me goes way beyond the normal realms). it was a very VERY difficult week. it was like looking after a toddler, but harder. i had no idea how bad things had got for her. not phisically, I was aware of that, but I mean her thought process and logic and reasoning - it's just terrible. she's incapable of making the simplest decisions and being able to see what consequences will result from them. but then she gets angree when decisions are made for her.

we were walking down the street together and there was a bench in front of us. I walked to the right as she went left. she got upset and distressed that we were separated and started to shake and almost cry. she couldn't see that in about 2 seconds we would be walking side by side again.

it's terribly sad. and I don't know if she's aware of what's happening inside her head or if she's oblivious. which is worse?

since then she's now unable to leave the village she lives in (according to her husband) as it's "too hard" for him to deal with that and the day out just gets ruined. she's trapped. no one will take her for a day out, even into town. she got £100 clothes vouchers for Christmas from her work (one hour a day answering the phone in the estate agent on her road) but no one will take her to spend them. it breaks my heart.


since February she can now longer use her legs properly. she can't walk for more than a couple of minutes and has a wheel chair. she doesn't seem to mind it though.

god she has the most amazing inner strength of anyone I know. she has had the toughest life I know of. it saddens be to the core and makes my heart bleed to think of the things she has faced. abused in the most horrific way by her step father as a child, she buried her first two babies due to cot death and spina-bifda (sorry, can't spell) then gets this awful illness herself. then her husband (my dad) left her when I was 17 (I'll come to that later...) without warning. just upped and left one day after almost 30 years of marriage. then I almost died on her at the age of 21. 

but she is so possitive. never sweats the big stuff. she's been a great role model and I strive to be more like her everyday. always laughing and smiling. 


Shit. I wasn't intending on rambling for this long. guess I don't really get chance to splurt it all out like this to my friends. it comes out in drip drip drips. a bit at a time. I feel quite sad writing this post actually. well I have no space for the other 5 things about myself, so maybe I'll write one each day for a week? gives me chance to think of something more uplifting.

Well, I should be working. the scientist from NASA is arriving this afternoon to work in my office, best tidy up and put all my empty coke zeros in the recycling....

a sad and thoughtful Vi x x


  1. That's heartbreaking that your mother has to suffer like that. Maybe you can visit her and be the one to take her shopping. You and your mother are so strong for going through this. Wishing you all the best.

  2. thanks Vi! I give the award back to you, but since I'm not a fan of chain stuff, I'm stopping at that.

    1) I envy you! I want to learn to play the guitar. And that's cute/sappy that your boyfriend cries! Hahaha, good thing he doesn't know about this blog, huh?

    2) A friend's daughter, who I was friends with, suffered from MS. She had it since she was born and had to grow up her whole life in a wheelchair. She could only move her facial muscles and her left index finger. So she had to move the wheelchair with the finger, and communicate with blinking. It was really sad. She was not supposed to make it past 2 years old, but ended up living till her 6th birthday. I know that what you are going through is 1000x amplified than what I went through because she's your immediate family, so I'm not even going to say I know how you feel.

    How's the diet going?

  3. p.s. I love that you said you'd be "CROSS" with me! Too cute!

  4. Hey lady! I am so so sorry about your mother, I was almost in tears reading your post (and, believe me, I do not cry easily!). I'm also really touched that you included me in the award -thank you!!!
    I will return the favour but I'm quite conscious about what I reveal about myself in a forum like this. You also asked me a question in your last comment which I would like to answer; so, I'm going to suggest that, if you want to give me your email address, I'll email you and fill you in. (A word of warning though, my story is more of a novel!!!!)


  5. It's been six freaking days since I've visited your corner of the web. I demand that you come back and post. Immediately.

  6. Okay, vi, starting to get worried. I hope you're fine...

  7. This stuff about your Mum is so tough. You've had such difficult things in your life sweet pea, I feel for you so much. Puts into perspective what a breeze my life has been and how little I have to complain about, yet I frequently do, and here you are so lovely and cheery. <3 you

    And I second Charlie...where have you gone? I SAID no one was allowed to disappear in my absence! You MUST come back! There will be tantrum.


  8. Oh sweet, I was wondering where you were. I was literally going to email you when I picked up your comment. Yes, you can email me at Email away. I hope you're ok lovely. Thinking of you xxx