Confused...!

I'm currently on a train. Stupid train doesn't have wi-fi, stupid!! I'm going to my mums house until Tuesday. She lives in a tiny little village where there is no mobile phone network. That also means I can't get an Internet connection. I should still be able to post though, I'll just write what I want to say in my note pad then copy and paste when I get a signal. I may struggle to get signal for long enough to read browse and read through everyone elses blogs, but I am still here and can catch up when I get home.

The scales read 126.2 this morning and I'm not surprised. I ate more yesterday than intended as I was with my boyf all day long. I had around 500 or 600 cals as I was with my boyfriend all day long. He sent me to the shop to get some things, and asked that I get him a boost bar. I read the calorie content and it was 370 or something! That one tiny chocolate bar has more than I would eat in a typical day!

So today I will fast. Luckily I'm in solitude until about 6pm when I arrive at home as I'm travelling all day. Although I am in first class which entitles me to free food... The only thing more tempting than food is free food!

So yesterday I read a post by xellex. I'm not sure about the etiquette here in regards to discussing other peoples posts, so elle please let me know if I'm doing wrong and I will remove this. But It was so insightful and powerful that it made me stop and take look at my own life. I never claimed to have annorexia or anything close, nor do I fully understand the complexities of the disorder. The only thing I know is my own disfunctional existance and struggle with food and body image which I strive to understand more about each day. But it's a choice right? That's what separates it. I don't live this way because I am forced to? I can stop anytime and return to 2000 cals a day surely? Who knows if that's true or not. And maybe things just aren't as black and white as that anymore. The labels we give people (annorexic, pro ana...) have become scewed and distorted. I saw on a channel 4 documentary sometime ago a theory that every woman has some form of eating disorder. I think it's a definite possibilty. Maybe even an inevitibility in today's society, and is it really surprising? Long gone are the days of eating purely for survival: food is now a social event in it's own right and we live in an age of convenience. It's everywhere. Not just the shopsbut on the tv, in magazines, in our words and in our minds. Inescapable.

...Do I have an eating disorder? Or do I merely have disordered eating habits?

I thought I had found a community where I fit in, where I belong and feel at home and safe. But I'm still just as confused. I don't know what I am or which box I would put myself in. Something for to ponder over during my long train ride...

For now,
Violet x