Contradictions and cycles

I woke up today feeling so completely different. Something has changed and now the wheels are in motion. I feel I am more connected to the hundreds and thousands of other girls (and boys I'm sure, yet I've failed to come across any of you yet...) out there who go through the same torment that I do each day.

But that's just it, isn't it? Is it really torment if I get a kick out of it? Is it really torture if it thrills me so much? The small victories that are celebrated and give me so much joy, which so quickly turn to horror and fear of what I've become.

It's all one big contradiction isn't it? That's the fundamental issue here. Everythings a cycle. I contradict my self each and everyday, and even my own opinions and theories on the subject can do a complete 180 from one day to the next. I look at a fat person eating a sandwich and it turns my stomach as I wonder how they can do that to their bodies. Then I'll snap, and find myself doing the same thing. Funny huh? No, it's gross. Sometimes I think that the key to success with this weight loss thing is just pure simple determination and control - just say no - to everything. But then, as a child of science I sometimes find myself saying how stupid it is to think that starving yourself is a good thing? Surely just eating a regular 1300-1400 cals per day with moderate exercise should see the pounds fly off at a healthy maintable rate...

But that's just not good enough is it? Something in my brain just won't listen. It's not quick enough, there's always something THIS wkend that I want to look good for, not in 6 months time. That progress is too slow. I need to look down at the scales each time and see the numbers drop. And fast. Life in the 21st century is fast, so my diet needs also to be.

Yesterday I started a sort of fast/restriction thing. Not too sure what you would label it as. Basically avoiding all foods unless I'm actually in pain. As I said yesterday it's increadably easy for me to avoid eating on weekdays in regards to other people... It's my own god damn self control that's the issue. Again with the cycles and contradiction. Somedays I have excellent self control, some days I have none and crave the very thing I want to avoid, leading to failure sometimes. Somedays it's completely different and I can't bare the thought of food. Actually can't face it and eating makes me sick. And even weirder is that somedays when that happens I love it - I feel I have achieved some higher state and feel proud. Sometimes I don't even notice that the thought of food hasn't even crossed my mind. And there are times it frightens me to the core, but in all fairness they are few and far between. 

And when it comes to binging, or failing, call it what you will. That spews up a whole other set of contradictions. Sometimes it just is what it is, plain and simple. Sometimes it's a necessity to eat in front of people, so they don't guess, or so they think you're normal. Sometimes its in secret. It's like, I don't want people to know I have a "problem" with food, but I also don't want them to think I ACTUALY EAT... Like a NORMAL human... Ughhhh how GROSS!! 

It's like going to the loo in front of all your friends. Eating, to me, is like that. Something gross and horrific which I like people to think I don't do, but secretly I have to... Yet i have to let them know I eat sometimes or else they'd think me a freak. It's all very confusing. And fascinating.

I want more than anything to break the binge-bust cycle. It's infuriating and can negate an entire days hard work. And it's always the bloody evenings. I just want to break that cycle. 

This morning the scale read a disapionting 129.2lbs. Even that's weird... Being in the UK I used to always weigh in stones, so I'm 9 stone 3 pounds. Since coming across this community, most use the American convension of pounds only, so I've got used to that, and now that feels natural... Odd. 

I want to weigh 115. My goals are in multiples of 5s, so yeah, 125, 120, then 115. It's only like 15lbs, that shouldn't be too hard... Even on a "normal" calorie controlled diet I would drop that in 2-3 months. But I'm hoping to weigh 125 as soon as possible. I'm going away next week so I don't how easy that will be. I'm going to stay with family and my boyf will be there the whole time. Plus it's pay day so he'll want to take me out. I'm not going to set a time target for 125 just yet, as I'll fail. I'll wait until I'm back home.

Oh yeah, I'm 5'7" (closer to 5'8" though I think) apparently each inch in height adds 4lbs to your weight when comparing yourself with someone of a different height. Useful when getting upset about the weight of skinny people who are so short. Someone who's 5'5" ican add about 10lbs onto their weight to make them eqivalent to me. Worth baring in mind...

Anyway works dull today so i'm sure I'll post again later.

Thanks also to lovely xellex who took the time to read this and comment - how lovely, I feel honored :)

Speak soon, 
Violet x