Award Thingy

oh yeah - elle gave me this award, how sweet, I wasn't quite sure what it was but I figure it's a kind of chain thing that you pass on to 5 others.

I'm not after world domination with this blogs, or after loads of followers. I think I have 13 but that's cool, less of headache for me and my hectic life only having a few to keep up with. have a small few of you who I speak/comment with more than just sporadically, so I suppose yeah, if I pass it on it can only go to go you: elle, Charlie and Cinderella.

you girls are great :) I don't know how to link I'm afraid though.... or to post a picture :( lame.

I think I have to write 10 things about me that no one here knows. hmmm that's tricky. I'll try to put possitive ones down too...

1) I'm a singer/song writer guitarist type. Manchester has a brilliant music scene, and yeah a typical night out wouldbe going to watch a band. it's yet another part of me that died when I moved south. I've not sung live to a crowd since I moved here. the little folksie songstrel image no longer fits with the way I now live. I'd feel like a fraud. my boyfriend, bless him, bought mr another guitar for my birthday last year in the hope I would play more. (I now have 4 guitars!!) I play at home, only a couple of times a week. I sing and write songs for just me and him. and I quite like that, it's our secret. he says the sweetest things and that I have the most lovely voice he's ever heard..... vom! but cute. I think he genuinely means it too and believes it to be true. sometimes he cries when I play... ha! god he'd kill me for telling anyone that!!

2) my mum has multiple sclerosis. it's a central nervous system disorder that wears away the insulation around the nerves leaving them useless. she's had it since I was about 8 years old. it used to be really bad when I was younger but then went quiet for a while. there are different types - she used to have relapse/remittance, which basically means it comes and goes, and although each episode can be very bad you can recover from them. one day she'd wake up unable to move her leg for example, then a week later it would improve (or not in the case of her hand) 

she hasn't had a formal MS 'attack' for years though, we thought she was getting better. but the past 18 months or so it has progressed into a different form - now it's classed as progressive. so basically the attacks are less intense and less isolated, but more of a slow constant stream of deterioration that you don't improve from.

it's tough. and it took me a long time to be understanding. she has a terrible memory and it used to infuriate me! I'd talk about my best friend and she'd ask "who's that?" and I'd snap. she'd tell me the same thing on the phone all the time, and I'd snap. her husband's the same - gets frustrated. but appart from when I got sick and lived with her for almost a year to recover, I'd not lived with her for about 8 years. I'd not spent more than a few days in her company. so I didn't notice things. I missed the details that are hidden on visits of just a few days. 

in October I took her on a holiday with my bonus from work. we went to Spain for a week, just me and her. I was aware that she was getting worse and wouldn't be able to walk for much longer so wanted to give her one last nice girlie mother and daughter trip together. she's done so much for me (obviously - she's my mum - it's what they do. but what she's done for me goes way beyond the normal realms). it was a very VERY difficult week. it was like looking after a toddler, but harder. i had no idea how bad things had got for her. not phisically, I was aware of that, but I mean her thought process and logic and reasoning - it's just terrible. she's incapable of making the simplest decisions and being able to see what consequences will result from them. but then she gets angree when decisions are made for her.

we were walking down the street together and there was a bench in front of us. I walked to the right as she went left. she got upset and distressed that we were separated and started to shake and almost cry. she couldn't see that in about 2 seconds we would be walking side by side again.

it's terribly sad. and I don't know if she's aware of what's happening inside her head or if she's oblivious. which is worse?

since then she's now unable to leave the village she lives in (according to her husband) as it's "too hard" for him to deal with that and the day out just gets ruined. she's trapped. no one will take her for a day out, even into town. she got £100 clothes vouchers for Christmas from her work (one hour a day answering the phone in the estate agent on her road) but no one will take her to spend them. it breaks my heart.

:( 

since February she can now longer use her legs properly. she can't walk for more than a couple of minutes and has a wheel chair. she doesn't seem to mind it though.

god she has the most amazing inner strength of anyone I know. she has had the toughest life I know of. it saddens be to the core and makes my heart bleed to think of the things she has faced. abused in the most horrific way by her step father as a child, she buried her first two babies due to cot death and spina-bifda (sorry, can't spell) then gets this awful illness herself. then her husband (my dad) left her when I was 17 (I'll come to that later...) without warning. just upped and left one day after almost 30 years of marriage. then I almost died on her at the age of 21. 

but she is so possitive. never sweats the big stuff. she's been a great role model and I strive to be more like her everyday. always laughing and smiling. 

how?






Shit. I wasn't intending on rambling for this long. guess I don't really get chance to splurt it all out like this to my friends. it comes out in drip drip drips. a bit at a time. I feel quite sad writing this post actually. well I have no space for the other 5 things about myself, so maybe I'll write one each day for a week? gives me chance to think of something more uplifting.

Well, I should be working. the scientist from NASA is arriving this afternoon to work in my office, best tidy up and put all my empty coke zeros in the recycling....

a sad and thoughtful Vi x x

The 3 day British Heart Foundation diet

blimey

argh so I've not posted in a while - sorry. I slipped up one day and so didn't post. then I saw I had ovet 20 unread blogs and thought I can't possibly read all of those now, then the next day it got worse and I ate more as a result... downward spiral.

plus I feel like I have nothing interesting to write down anyway - so why bother? I'm sorry ive not replied to msgs - I'll get on that right after this.

so my 15 daychallenge was a fail. I don't even know what day I'm on but it's prob about 13 or summat.

I'd stopped looking at the scale. it said 125.8 this morning. to be fair I thought it was more. so I'm gunna start over. but I'm gunna have a go at doing it.... the healthy way?? I think. well, I'm gunna do this 3 day detox which I found online to quick start my diet. it looks quite typical, all fresh fruit veg and natural stuff as expected. 

my brother (who got a bit chunky since he hit 30) and his girlfriend have been doing the British Heart Foundation diet. it again is 3 days long, and can be done once each week. it's based on food combining and the chemical reactions that are triggered from combining particular foods together. its claimed youll loose up to 10 pounds in the 3 days if followed EXACTLY to the letter. the diet it's self has come under scrutiny though as some of the foods in it are a little odd - ice cream, hot dogs... and I must point out, I had a look at the BHF website and they deny any endorsement or link with this diet, so I don't know where it's name came from. 

but get this.... my brother lost 9 pounds!! in 3 days! but yeah, he's a chunk and has never dieted and plays lots of sport so metabolism's quite high. but his girlfriend - who's much slimmer than me lost 7 pounds!!!! not sure what happened to those pounds after she finished the diet. I'm sure it's just water weight and is not maintainable. it is what it is - a fad diet. and I'm sure the weight goes straight back on.... but still... I'm gunna give it a go!!!

my bro and his girlf are doing it for the second time - tues, weds, and thuurs. they've been updating on facebook and it's catching on, all their friends are jumping on the band wagon and commenting about it loads. 

so, 3 day detox (raw, natural stuff, will post details later maybe) then 3 day British Heart Foundation diet.

starting tomorrow...
Vi x 

The quest for 120... Day 6

124.0. Ughhh!! Bloody weekends! Taking your eye off the ball even slightly over the weekend can negate all the hard work you put in over the preceeding week. I'm on day 6 and so only have a net loss of 1lb... Needed to lose 1lb per three days to be on track and lose the 5lb in the fifteen days of this challenge. I'm not going to alter the goal posts though - hopefully it's just a blip and will go back down tomorrow. I've forced myself to go without today. I've had two cups of tea and an apple throughout the day, and sushi for dinner. I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill. Well, I say ran, more like a slow crawl.

I was massively bored at work today, so I made a graph of my weight since I started blogging... Hee hee!! I may post it on here if I figure that out. Maybe just for this 15 day challenge. Will be insightful to look at where problem days occur and good days and look for patterns. (ever the mathematician in me!!)

Stats for the day
Weight: 124.0 
Food: as above... About 600 cals
Exercise: slow and painful 2 mile jog...

The quest for 120... Day 5

123.8, I'm not surprised. Really sleepy so I won't stick around long...

Night night...
Vi x

The quest for 120... Day 4

This post is for yesterday.

122.8 How on earth did it drop??? No idea that's crazy. I got cocky though - ate lots and it's definitely going to go up again. 

Had a really good day actually. I've been feeling a little lost lately. Well, it's not as dramatic as it sounds trust me!! It's just, well most of my life I'd lived in the north. Leeds, sheffield, and most recent manchester. And I dunno I don't believe in the north south divide but I did and still do sometimes feel a little out of place and miss home. My friends and social group when I lived in Manchester were all sort of girls like me who don't just live for work, who wear makeup, who care about what clothes they wear and what their hair's like. I guess you could say I knocked about with the in crowd. We were the girls in the night clubs, at the parties and who seemed to be on the website's photo page with the most views.

But I was clever too. I got good grades on my course, did a masters and now do a very technical sciency job. I moved to the south for my job as it was a great opportunity, and I don't regret it for one second. I'd never been to the town I now live in before and moved in to a random house share three days before starting my job. I met my now boyfriend after having moved in just three hours before, and he offered to be my tour guide... The rest you say, is history.

My friends at work, suffice to say, are not the it crowd. They discuss issues and concepts that I don't fully understand, and just have that kind of nerdy geeky social awkwardness about them. In meetings at work I'm sometimes made to feel dumb and unimportant just because I look as though I might be. Most are from very different back grounds to me and sometimes I guess it's just weird. I have made friends, and they're lovely, they're just very different to old friends. I find myself trying too hard - my blend of Yorkshire/Lancashire accent has faded and the social events I now attend are a world away from my old life. My mum thinks that I've made it, and have changed my life from what it was destined to be and is eternally grateful and proud of me for that. I come from a very poor background and my family were miners. We had nothing. I got the grades to go to uni, and got a grant due to my family income. I still left uni with more than 30 grand debt, but I was determined to change my life. My mum is chuffed to bits for me.

But somedays I wake up and think "what the fuck am I doing? This isn't me?" my boyf is quite middle class and talks posh. He listens to radio 4 and reads the gaurdian, and we host dinner parties where we dress up nicely and our guests bring us flowers and kiss us each cheek. We've been invited to watch a polo game in June. I'm in a different world and have lost a part of myself that I didn't want to loose.

Today though, I went shopping with a girl from work who is only a couple of years older than me. She started a few months ago, and she's just loads of fun.  She reminds me of who I used to be. She's loud, outspoken, drinks and smokes lots, wears makeup and even high heals to work. We clicked straight away and even my boyfriend jokes that I have a girl crush on her. 

I tried a dress on and she said I was tiny and looked like a little doll... Not quite but it felt nice. We went off to the pub at around 4pm, then just stayed out all evening until 2am.  (hence writing this up midday on sunday) It was so much fun, she brings out a side to me that is so comforting. Don't get me wrong, I love my new life. I love my boyfriend and the friends Ive made. I love the oportunity my job gives me. It's just all so different, and not something my boyfriend or anyone else willl ever comprehend.

States for the day
Weight: 122.8
Food: I've not even spoke about food today. It wasn't important - I was enjoying myself. I ate lots. I drank. I laughed. I lived. Sunday morning the scales had jumped back up, but that's for day 5's post...
Total cals: 1300 ish. Not including booze.
Exercise: dancing :)

Vi x x

Change of a name

hi... Shrinking Violet here...

Ok ok ok so I don't know if this is against the rules or something, but basically the name I'd picked, shrinking violet, was already taken by someone else when I joined. Some people following me are also following her and it's just way confusing. So I changed it. It's still me though :) Blogging from Skinny Genes rather than Shrinking Violet. I also changed violet to vicky.

Vi x

Quest for 120... Day 3.

Before I write anything I have a slight edit on yesterdays intake... :( had a bit of chocolate last night during the election. Not too much, a few bits, maybe 100 cals. And two glasses of wine...

123.6 today - yayyyyyy!!! Loving the rapid progress so far. But that normally happens in the first few days. Got the weekend coming up which is always difficult and usually results in a gain this early on in the fasting process. So I'm sure it's gunna plateau out and be difficult to lose any more.

I had a 'dear diary' moment this morning which made me chuffed to bits! I was sat on the sofa at home, kinda balancing on the edge with my legs pointed sideways if you get me. I was trying to roll a cigarette on my lap when the filter rolled off the paper and onto my legs. I quickly squeezed my thighs together to stop it falling on the floor, but it fell straight through the gap... I had a smile on my face ear to ear as I sat and squeezed as hard as I could and still my thighs would not touch. So yeah my legs weren't splatted out againgst the sofa or anything, but still, this is a great little boost. 3.6 pounds to go until I can eat again. It seems like such a small amount, but I know it's not. I know it's gunna be tough.

By the time I got to work I felt absolutely starving. My stomach was actually hurting. I drank loads of water, and an orange cordial, and a cup of tea, but it was no use. I didn't feel dizzy or anything just sooo so hungry!!! They do 'fry up fridays' at work, and so I'd resigned myself to getting 1 piece of toast. I could take that hit surely? Well... I went to stand in the queue and the bloody toaster was broken. Argh!!! Somehow somewhere my little ana angel rescued me from the toast and also stopped me getting some fried shit instead. I kept thinking back to the moment on the sofa, stayed strong and reached for a fruit bowl. Grapes, melon, strawbs and pineapple. Though when I sat down with it, most of it was rotting or tinned fruit. Yuck! Left most of it, and still felt hungry. I hate days like this, when the hunger is so bad it hurts. it's so disheartening but I'm not gunna hate myself for eating, or get too down about it: I had half a tuna steak for lunch with some veggies. Still felt starving when I got home, with the knowledge that I had to try and survive a dinner party later that evening...

my plan was to only eat until I was no longer hungry, but as I have massive "finish your plate syndrome" I ate everything and felt really full!   

Gotta keep moving forward and just hope tomorrow will be easier. And anyway, as long as the numbers keep going down that's all that matters right now.

I have written down somewhere in an old diet log book thing what all my measurement were back in January. All the usual waist, hips, bust, thigh, arm, bmi, weight, weight of body fat, body fat percentage. I'll dig it out, and also post my current stats. Or maybe I should wait until I'm at 120? I'm not sure. What do you think? If it's a big difference it will really spur me on, but if it's not then... Eek! I can't remember what I weighed in jan. Maybe 135, 137? Need to dig out that book!!!

Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend in town to go shopping - hope she'll have eaten before I meet her at half one and isn't planning on going for lunch...

Stats for the day
Weight: 123.6
Calorie intake: fruit salad, half tuna steak, veggies, cheese, salad, bits and bobs like potato wedges and mushrooms, vienetta ice cream (ha! How northern and working class!)
Total cals: hmm... Guess here... 1200??!?! Eek!
Exercise: big fat nothing. 

Will not be surprised with a gain tomorrow!!

Violet x x